Sunspots, Falling from High Places and Skeletons

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

You know, I may have to reconsider my position regarding the effect of genetics on the personalities and actions of our children.  My position has been that the debate between genetics versus the way children were reared as the primary personality builders was nothing more than a way to blame parents for the actions of their children.  Either we blew it with our genetics or we blew it with our actions.

I was developing a quite satisfactory theory that nothing the bratlets did was my fault.  Their characters and personalities were caused by a combination of the effects of sunspots, the alignment of various planets, the amount of snow in the year preceding their births, and if they were born on even or odd days in relation to the Chinese New Year.

In other words, nothing was my fault.  Any similarities were caused by similarities in sunspots, planets, etc. occurring in 1955 and recurring in 1986 and ‘87.  In no way should I be held responsible for any effect of cosmic events on the byproducts of our hobby.

Interestingly, I recently saw an old newspaper clipping of my father’s that appears to damage my theory.  According to this article in the Chattanooga Newspaper, Robert H. Jones, age 8 (who would later become my father) was hospitalized in serious condition with internal or infernal injuries he received in falling from a tree.  The article estimated the fall was over 20 feet.

According to my father, he fell exactly 28 feet 4 inches. This was documented the day he returned home by re-climbing the tree and measuring.   Upon reporting the correct distance to his mother, he was severely spanked, which he claims was worse than the fall and led him to believe he might be facing another trip to the hospital.

Although it sounds to me like a reasonable thing to do, it requires an unnecessary amount of effort.  When I experienced a similar fall from a silo, I did not drop a string to measure the distance. As I do not have a risk-taking personality such as my father apparently had, I simply counted the courses of blocks, measured one and multiplied the distance. I will admit I lost count three times which required climbing the silo twice.  The really unbelievable factor here is that I multiplied in spite of the ugly rumor spread by my fifth grade teachers that I could not or would not learn the multiplication tables.

When I see characteristics in my children similar to those exhibited by my father I have to admit there appears to be some genetic influence.  I’m sure you are as amazed as I that this influence apparently skips a generation.

The most amazing coincidence I see is the similarities shared by the mothers of Jones children over many generations.  Keep in mind these women were not born Joneses.  The only common denominator is that they had the good (or mis- if you prefer) fortune to marry Jones men.

There are documented cases where at least three generations of these women acted in exactly the same unreasonable manner in similar circumstances.  For example, three generations of Jones pre-teens each found a skeleton in the woods.  In the interest of scientific research each brought the skeleton home and installed it in their room with the intention of reassembling it.

In each case (keeping in mind these women were unrelated) three generations of Jones mothers unreasonably insisted the bones be removed from the home.

My father’s mother not only insisted he return the bones to the cemetery from which they had washed but wanted him to dig a grave for them.  My father obeyed his mother and buried all of the bones with the exception of the skull (which he named Granny) and kept cleverly hidden.  Skulls of course are made of bone but are technically skulls not bones. Have you ever heard someone say they broke a bone in their head?

Following my father’s death, I happened to be the lucky child to inherit Granny.

Within minutes, my children’s mother, Management, had evicted Granny and continues to refuse to allow her in our home.

My sunspot theory may help explain the similarities between these women as well as the similarities shared by alternate generations of men.  I remain convinced there is no genetic connection.