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Stump County’s Closet is Empty

   Written by on April 17, 2014 at 3:12 pm

Well, you’da thought one of them herrycanes or som’it been thru old Stump County. Benjamen, the oldest of the Dover boys, just came out of the closet and the barn and declared he is Stump County’s first Tri-sexual.

The Stump County Chronicles are a satire about an imaginary county located in rural Virginia. Stump County, population 999, is filled with imaginary people who are struggling with real life problems as they attempt to move into the 20 century. The writer, Half Whitt, is imaginary. He works for the imaginary newspaper, The Sneezeville Sentinel. Trying to contact Half Whitt? Send letters to editor@southsidemessenger.com, or mail to The Southside Messenger, P.O. Box 849, Keysville, VA 23947 and we’ll pass it along!

The Stump County Chronicles are a satire about an imaginary county located in rural Virginia. Stump County, population 999, is filled with imaginary people who are struggling with real life problems as they attempt to move into the 20 century. The writer, Half Whitt, is imaginary. He works for the imaginary newspaper, The Sneezeville Sentinel.
Trying to contact Half Whitt? Send letters to editor@southsidemessenger.com, or mail to The Southside Messenger, P.O. Box 849, Keysville, VA 23947 and we’ll pass it along!

Ben said, “This is the dadgum United States of ‘Merica. You can do any dadburn thing you want to. What I do with my neighbors and farm animals just ain’t nobody’s bidness. It ain’t like I’m smoking cigarettes or cutting trees or drinking great big sody pops or not recycling or something bad like that.”

Ever’body is shocked. Pastor Needham Flock of the First Second Third Bapterian Church called it an abomination. Ben called him a liar. He said, “I ain’t never been to the nation of Australia and I ain’t even met one of those aborigines.”

Ben’s wife Lynn is some upset and so are his kids, Sven and Flynn. Lynn says, “I thought the ‘til death do us part and forsaking all others meant something. I just don’t know what happened.”

Ben says nothing happened. “This is all about me and what I enjoy. Ever’body just needs to accept me like I am. I’ve always been greedy and selfish and it just ain’t fair to expect me to stick with one woman or one sex or one species. That ‘forsaking all others’ wuz just words.

“Now that I’ve done come out I’m gonna go all the way. In a few months I’m gonna come out as a quadra-sexual. I figure if I really work at it in a few years I can work up to Octa-sexual or maybe Deci-sexual. I might even get into that Guinness Book of records.”

Well, I gotta stop here. The Editor came by and told me I was going too far. Wonder why he thinks it is me that’s going too far?

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