Skunks in Hives, Skunks in Traps and Aww, Ain’t They Cute

As always it has been an easy week. Nothing exciting ever happens to me. I just drink my coffee, write a little, answer a few phone calls and watch other people enjoy all the excitement.

This week I almost had something exciting happen. I’ve been having a little disagreement with a family of skunks. I have to admit skunks, especially the little ones, are kind of cute. On the other hand they smell bad and they eat bees. That’s one of those cosmic truths. It doesn’t matter how cute something is, smelling bad trumps the cute.

I could even overlook the smell if they didn’t eat bees. Anything that kills honey bees (especially my bees) is on my hit list.

One night last week I saw a mother skunk teaching three skunklets how to eat my bees. Something needed to be done. The little ones reminded me of a couple of baby skunks I found in the highway many years ago. Many, many years ago, so long ago the laws against having wild animals either hadn’t been enacted or maybe weren’t enforced, but in any case so long ago that the statute of limitations has expired and if a Game Warden is reading this I’m not in trouble.

In any case, I named the little critters something incredibly unique and creative but I don’t remember what it was. I litter trained them and had plans of taking them to be de-scented which was also legal at that time provided you smuggled them to North Carolina for the operation.

They had one enduring characteristic. When they got mad or scared they would turn away from you, lift their tails, and bounce. My theory was that they hadn’t learned how to control the spray feature. It was really funny until we realized that one day, without any warning, they would get it right and it would work. They just weren’t that cute.

I once had a friend who trapped for a living. One of the things he trapped was skunks. He sold the skins but the “essence” was where the real money was. It is used in perfumes and in hunting and trapping. He always had a faint to moderate skunk aroma which may have explained his lack of success in dating. Anyway Trapper isn’t around so I’ll have to resolve the problem myself.

Even ignoring that silly illegal thing there just isn’t a good way to get rid of skunks. You can trap them in a special trap and relocate them (which is also illegal) and who wants to carry a skunk around and who do you hate enough to drop them on. Or you can shoot them which makes them spray (and is also illegal) and smells bad. Or you can ignore them and let them eat bees which isn’t an option.

Years ago I worked out an almost fool-proof plan. I would cover the trap with a plastic sheet, pour in some ether and dispatch the skunk while it was asleep. It worked well.

I once subcontracted with a couple of friends to eliminate some skunks I’d trapped in a bee yard. It turned out to be one of the meanest things I’ve ever done. They agreed to stop by the bee yard on their way home from a New Year’s Eve party.

By the time they were “partied out” it was daylight which isn’t a good time to shoot skunks and by then the bees were flying. When they arrived every trap held a skunk. I had made a minor miscalculation by not spreading the traps far enough apart so each one could be handled individually. They had to start on the outside and work their way in. Although they faithfully executed their contract they weren’t happy with me or the situation.

Apparently the ether, combined with skunk essence, combined with shotguns, combined with headaches, combined with residual beverages, combined with no sleep resulted in a less than satisfactory experience for them. I on the other hand was well satisfied.