Sharing the Wealth?

We almost had a riot here in Stump County last week. You all know Little Big, called LB by most of us and El Bee by Manual La’bor who is Stump County’s only illegal immigrant.

The Stump County Chronicles are a satire about an imaginary county located in rural Virginia. Stump County, population 999, is filled with imaginary people who are struggling with real life problems as they attempt to move into the 20 century. The writer, Half Whitt, is imaginary. He works for the imaginary newspaper, The Sneezeville Sentinel.
Trying to contact Half Whitt? Send letters to editor@southsidemessenger.com, or mail to The Southside Messenger, P.O. Box 849, Keysville, VA 23947 and we’ll pass it along!

LB is the hardest working most honest and most enterprising man in Stump County. He works from dawn to dark thirty. He sees opportunities where most folks see roadblocks and problems. Give him enough time and he’ll own half of Stump County.

Well, last week LB ran into a problem. A group of folks have been grumbling that LB should “share the wealth.” They met last week at the Yak N Snack restaurant for lunch to discuss the issue. They cussed and discussed all afternoon until suppertime, they ate supper and reconvened at Ludd’s Local Likkers and Libations and continued to cuss. About 10:00 LB stopped in when he finished work for a Big Orange soda. LB likes Big Oranges but won’t buy them often because he says he’d rather build than drink.

Well, by the time he stopped in, the newly formed ‘Share the Wealth” committee was cranked up and ready to take a stand. They buttonholed LB and explained they had voted he should “Share his Wealth.”

LB took a sip of his soda and says, “Boys, we got us a little problem here. I don’t have any wealth. I own a bunch of stuff but every thin dime I make goes back into building.” They said that didn’t matter, that he had so much stuff he could sell something and give them “Their Share.”

LB took another sip of his Big Orange and said, “Well, boys I got plenty of work to share; would you like to sign on?” Nobody did. Then he said, “Boys I have plenty of responsibility to share; would you like some of that?” They didn’t. They said all they wanted was “Their Share” of his wealth.

LB said, “How much of my wealth do you figure is ‘YOUR SHARE?’” They had already decided a fourth was fair.

LB thought for a few minutes and said, “Y’all want to share and share alike and you want a fourth of what I’ve earned?” They agreed that would be fair.

LB said he thought he could do that. Then he turned to Zeb and said, “Zeb,” he says, “what days will I be driving that fancy new-fangled automobile you just bought?” “And Luke,” he says, “I’ll be by to pick up old Blue so I can go coon huntin’ and I guess I’ll be riding Matt’s mule. Don’t you boys worry any, I won’t use more than a fourth of anything. And by the way, we have to set up a schedule for supper since each of you is going to feed me 25 percent of the time.”

They all talked and decided they could work it out as long as LB was going to “Share HIS Wealth.”

This is where the riot almost started.

“You boys know I’ve been too busy to find a wife and to have children. You all have plenty so I’ll be by tomorrow to pick up my share of the chillans. Do you want to pick ‘em out or should I?

“And one more little thing. Boys, you know I’m not good looking and don’t have any time for dating and I don’t have a way with the women like you boys. So I think we should share the romance. Now you boys have some fine lookin’ wives and girlfriends. In fact I’d say you boys are rich in the woman department, one-percenters you might say, so you should be happy to ‘share the wealth.’

“I don’t want any more than ‘my share’ of the romance-my 25 percent- so I know you won’t mind.” Right then Zeb picked up a chair. I don’t know what would have happened if Officer Bustah Butts hadn’t stepped in.

All LB had to say was, “Y’know this ‘sharing the wealth’ sure is a one-sided proposition.”