Saying NO Positively

I have been questioned about the idea of “never saying no” to young children.  Trust me, I will be the first to tell you that we MUST begin more comfortably refusing our children.  The idea of saying YES instead of NO to our children in line with Gentle Parenting has to do with how we say what we say.

Think of yourself.  Let’s say you asked your boss for a raise.  Which would you rather hear, “No”, or, “Let me think on it and I’ll get back to you in a week”?  Even if the answer is still the same, at least you knew that thought went into the answer.

Consider how you would feel if you called your sister and questioned if she would provide you with child care while you go shopping, and out to lunch with a friend on Tuesday.  Should she say, “Nope, sorry”, your feelings could be hurt or you could be very disappointed.  However, if she responds, “I can’t do it on Tuesday, but I’m available on Thursday”, it will make the entire difference even if you can’t change your date.

Our children need to be dealt with in the same respectful way we try to treat each other.  The Golden Rule:  “As you would that men should do to you, do you even so to them.” (Matthew 7:12)  That is such a simple concept but what a difference it makes as we go about our lives.

What are some examples of how to be positive when having to deal with our child?

Your child asks for a toy while you are shopping.  First of all, I would hope that you have already decided if she will be getting a toy while you shop and that you have told her, “We won’t be getting a toy today, but when we get home and get everything put away, I will work puzzles with you (or we will have a pretend tea party…)  Then should she ask while you are in the store if she can get a toy, you might ask her what you have already discussed and follow that with a question about what you will do instead.  This helps her take some responsibility in what is happening in her life.  You might add that you will get her a toy another time.

Instead of saying, “No, I can’t play with you, I’m busy”, try saying, “You really want me to play with you right now.  If you play alone while I finish making our lunch, I will play with you after we eat.”   See what a difference that could make?

Instead of “STOP RUNNING!” try, “Use your walking feet.”  Instead of, “Look at this room!  Pick up your toys!”  How about saying, “Wow, you have had lots of fun playing with your toys.  How about we pretend to be toy soldiers and I will help you get everything picked up”?

It may take a bit of effort to get in the habit of being positive, but what a difference it will make in your home and your relationship with your young child once it’s a habit.  I wish you the very best as you continue parenting gently.

©2015 Brenda Holland-Robinson