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Sasquatch, Cajoling Daffodils and Multi-lingual Phones

   Written by on March 6, 2014 at 11:06 am

Years ago the son proposed a theory of proximity. At the time he was riding a bicycle across country. His theory was that the farther you are from your bike the sillier bike shorts look. This proximity applies to many things, most of which I won’t list because I don’t want to get hate mail.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

A few weeks ago I mentioned Sasquatch. Well, actually I mentioned Yeti who is supposedly a relative. Not a relative of mine-a relative of Sasquatch. So, here’s the proximity theory of Sasquatch. The closer you get to Sasquatch territory the easier it is to believe in him.

As I sit here at my computer I can believe there is a remote possibility he exists. If I am in the woods (particularly if unarmed) there is a slight possibility. If I am in a tent in a remote swamp I believe there is a reasonable probability he exists. If I am alone and unarmed in a remote swamp I am certain there is probably a possibility Sasquatch doesn’t exist. When I am alone and unarmed in a remote swamp and it is dark I am certain there is a Sasquatch (and a whole bunch of other things).

Oddly, I’ve met people who believe in Sasquatch and all sorts of other things but don’t believe in God because they “can’t see him.” I think I’ll start a Sasquatch watch/spiritual experience where I dump Atheists in a swamp at night and see how many things they can’t see (in the dark) but believe in.

Interestingly, everyone who claims to have seen a Sasquatch up close claims they smelled something bad. No kidding. A seven-foot-tall hairy creature pops up from behind a tree and they smell something bad. I’ve never seen a Sasquatch but I have been really scared and something smelled bad too. I knew exactly what it was.

I suspect believing you are about to be eaten by Sasquatch (or anything else for that matter} might encourage a new belief, not to mention a moral inventory and a consideration that you should have lost weight sooner so you aren’t such a tempting meal.

My new diet is working well. I’ve been eating less and doing more and I’ve lost absolutely nothing. Not a pound, not an ounce, not a gram-nothing, nada, zip. I say it is working well because diets aren’t really about losing weight, they are all about disrupting your life and about giving you a reason to whine and complain.

I was talking with a woman the other day and I mentioned I had to lose weight.

She informed me she weighs 103 pounds. I told her 103 isn’t a weight, it is a temperature.

Way back in another life when I weighed 155 pounds a woman told me I was too skinny. It didn’t hurt my feelings that she wasn’t interested in me since I wasn’t interested in her. I wasn’t her type and she wasn’t my type. Oddly we were married the next year and now 30 years later it’s still good. If I ever figure that one out I’ll let you know.

We were playing with the settings on my cell phone last weekend and noticed we could select another language. Since I’ve always intended to learn Spanish I had my bride Management change my phone. It didn’t work. I still couldn’t speak Spanish. More importantly I still couldn’t read Spanish and since the prompts were in Spanish I couldn’t change the phone back. It was sort of a non-communication communication issue.

Management’s daffodils are trying to bloom and Mother Nature keeps interfering. They have their little buds above the snow and just sit there shivering. Every year I try to get at least one to bloom earlier. I even bought a book on “forcing daffodils to bloom early by putting them in the refrigerator and taking them out.” I soon found I couldn’t force a daffodil anymore than I can force Management. I’ve given up on the forcing (of Management and daffodils) and just take them as they are. In fact I’ve even given up on begging, cajoling, pleading, whining and negotiation. I am still, however, continuing to attempt subterfuge and manipulation. I’ll let you know if they ever work.

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