Resolve Doesn’t Manage Your Anger

It is 1978 and young Dave Buznik is all ready to kiss the girl of his dreams.  In comes Arnie Shankman, the school bully.  Arnie proceeds to embarrass Dave by pulling down Dave’s pants in front of everyone.  Fast forward to the present, Dave has major anger problems, problems with repressing his emotions and problems with expressing affection.  Yes, this is the premise for the movie Anger Management, but as Hollywood often does, the movie reflects what is happening in many people’s lives.  As the movie progresses Dave blows up, goes to court and he is sentenced to anger management classes.  The movie shows a very untypical anger management class.

For the next three weeks, we will be talking about anger:  this week, the difference between anger management and anger resolution; next week, the underlying causes of anger; and finally how to deal with anger.

Anger management and anger resolution is not the same process.  Anger management focuses on helping you learn better coping skills, ways to handle your anger and how not to over react to anger.  That is, how to manage your anger.  Anger Resolution focuses on finding the root problem that fuels the anger; buried anger, toxic shame, rage, bitterness, as well as buried fears of rejection, loneliness, and other issues.  Anger resolution’s focus is not on managing the anger but on developing an understanding why you are getting angry, the cause of the anger.

You might be saying, hey, anger is ok, even Jesus got angry.  You are correct.  The problem is what we do with our anger.  Jesus was upset with his disciples when they fell asleep while he was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane.  Jesus followed the Jewish law’s regulations.  The laws taught that if someone offends you, go ahead and share your anger with that person, but do not get personal vengeance.  Jesus did express his anger to his disciples but did not seek punishment or revenge.  Jesus, truthfully, told his disciples of his disappointment and corrected them, in love.  Jesus actions followed the adage; as iron sharpens iron, a friend who shares true emotions sharpens the countenance of his friend

Paul writing to the Ephesians continued this model for anger.  He told the Ephesians, it is okay to speak truth and even to be angry.  The goal though is to solve your anger not to let anger control us.  You have probably heard the saying “Don’t go to bed angry.”

Current medical research also points to the need to resolve anger.  Research is uncovering that buried anger and bitterness is the leading cause of headaches, depression, lowered antibodies, and lowered ability to fight a range of diseases.

Anger resolution methods help us look at our anger.  Is your buried anger because of what you would consider righteous indignation regarding past hurts?  Alternatively, is paranoia, perfectionism, or selfishness the underlying support for your anger?  Whatever the underlying cause of your anger, are you hanging on to buried anger due to a need for vengeance?

A person with a pattern of over-reacting to situations with uncalled-for anger, disproportionate anger, or unacceptable expressions of anger, has an anger problem that needs resolution.  Yes, anger management classes will help you build coping skills to avoid negative consequences from your anger.  However, a more complete solution is finding the reasons for your anger and finding a resolution.  Anger resolution will require you to think about your anger, analyze situations that cause you to be angry and come to a complete understanding of your anger triggers.  The goal is for you to understand the hows and whys behind your anger triggers.  It is helpful to pray about your anger, and talk with a counselor or mature mentor about your anger.  Anger tends to build over your life and finding help is generally the first step to anger resolution.

Know this, my beloved brothers:  let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.  James 1:19-20

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Cheryl Gowin, and Dennis Gowin, Hope for Tomorrow Counseling Center.  Contact us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.