Reindeer, Frosty and Christmas Cheer

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night to ponder things. Since it is almost Christmas, I ponder Christmassy things. I have learned to ponder quietly and without requesting any input from Management. Years ago, I woke her up to ask her how many legs Frosty the Snowman had. Sometimes I worry about her. “Do you know what time it is?” she asked.

Of course I did. It was 3:22 a.m. o’clock in the morning. “You just woke me up to ask me that.” That was obvious. She said “two” and went back to sleep. I wouldn’t have been pondering it if he had two legs. I got up, found a record of the song and spent several hours trying to get the “thumpty, thump, thump, thumpty thump” cadence. It just can’t be done, walking or running.

It turns out the answer is obvious. Frosty didn’t have any legs. Just that round ball at the bottom like most snowmen. He bounced. Listen to the song again. “Thumpty, thump thump, thumpty thump. Look at Frosty go.” Management says I am the only person in the universe concerned by this. Of course I’m concerned. This is another case of politically correct gone wrong. Why would anyone force a snowman to have legs? People have legs, animals have legs, tables have legs, chairs have legs, Yeti and Abominable Snowmen have legs but standard issue snowmen have a ball on the bottom.

Another Christmas concern is the names of Santa’s reindeer. The eight tiny reindeer were born in 1921 in Troy, NY. Prior to that Santa only had one reindeer or he rode a horse. You know the poem. “Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet, On, Cupid, On, Donder and Blitzen!” Notice there is no Rudolph. He didn’t arrive until 1939. So here’s my concern. They all have typical names except Donder and Blitzen, which mean Thunder and Lightning in several languages.  I prefer to think more highly of old Santa than that. Did he say, “OOPS, I’ve run out of English names, I guess I’ll go Dutch?”

Nobody names like that, not even me. Have you ever seen a family that named their children or pets, Fred, Bob, Sally, Alice and Plutarch Loinfruit? This is something to ponder. Who named Donder and Blitzen?

After years of pondering this and some serious research, I finally have the answer. Clement Moore, the alleged author of “The Night Before Christmas,” named Donder and Blitzen. He just didn’t write the rest of the poem.

My third Christmas ponder-able is Christmas Cheer. In Southside we all know what a cheer is. You sit in a cheer at the table eating Christmas dinner. I don’t know what kind of rich folks have a set of cheers just for Christmas. Maybe a plate with some holly berries painted on it, but not cheers. Where would you keep them for the rest of the year?

Wait, words have two meanings in Southside. Christmas Cheer refers to Rot Cheer as opposed to yonder. We’re not going over yonder to visit the children this year. We are going to celebrate Christmas cheer.

This year I did my Christmas shopping early. I bought everybody batteries. I found a huge box of batteries on eBay. Some people will get double A’s; some C cell and some will get D’s. I even have some of the itty bitty triple A’s and 9 volt. I already know to whom I’m going to give the D cells. I have a friend who constantly talks about how much he likes double D’s. I’ll give him an even dozen. He should be happy all year. I’m so proud of me. This is the first time I’ve done my shopping early. I hope everyone likes the batteries.

I even printed some nice cards that say:

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I hope you enjoy the batteries.

(Gift not included.)