Red Faced, Green Stamped and Burning Money

This week as I was doing what I often do, which is looking for neat things to buy and resell at a reasonable profit I found a 36-foot sailboat at a salvage auction. It had been listed three times and had received no bids. There was no reserve.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

There were a few small issues such as it had been sunk in Hurricane Sandy and it was 500 miles away but nothing serious to really worry about. The important thing was there was some money to be made and more importantly it would be interesting.

For some reason, possibly a brief attack of sanity, I didn’t even bid. I didn’t even bid when it sold for $25.00. I am concerned. Maybe I am going normal.

This week I’ve been driving around in my new old fire truck. My only complaint is that it is red. I’m just not a big fan of red trucks. You would think I would have remembered that when I was making the deal. Not only is it red, it is emphatically red. You might even say fire truck red.

There isn’t even anything I can do about it. Red it is and red it will stay. Anyway, as I was driving around I noticed it seems to attract old codgers and young fireman. It would be great bait if someone had a need for old codgers or young fireman.

Maybe I could rent it to one of those women who like younger men. I could make a cougar run and she could get them to help her put out any fires she might have. I still can’t think of a use for the old guys about my age.

In fact, there really isn’t much use for a fire truck except for putting out fires. On the other hand, it is interesting and I think it is important to keep life interesting.

My original story was true, as is all of this column, that I asked my bride Management if I could buy a fire truck for the Grand-brat’s Christmas and she agreed. However, even after seeing the truck she still approves. This truck is Management approved and condoned.

She even says I should have a few toys to keep my life interesting. Is she great or what?

On the other hand, there may be a method to her support. I did willingly and cheerfully and with no regrets give up several of my pre-Management hobbies after I met her. Even If I decided I missed them (and I don’t), Management has her whole Management team reporting on me to her.

It doesn’t matter what I do or where I go she gets a report. Now that I’m driving a large red somewhat noticeable truck the reports have increased. Instead of specific Averett sightings they are reporting mobile ones. “I saw Averett and his fire truck on Highway 15 heading north.” It’s sort of like going deer hunting and reporting deer tracks. I’m just glad I’m not hiding anything.

This week in our What & Where we had S&H green stamps. If you are anywhere near my age you remember them. The stores gave them to you, you stuck them in books and traded them for valuable stuff. I always thought it was a lot of work but the free part always got me.

About ten years ago I was cleaning out a house and found one of those big wooden trunks filled with them. I sold the trunk and burned the green stamps. Today I just found out they are still redeemable. I hate it when that happens.

Forty years ago a similar thing happened. My parents had just bought a house where a large illegal moonshine still had just been raided. One of the rooms was filled with empty 5-pound sugar bags. On a historical note the most difficult part of large scale moonshining is buying the sugar. Err, at least that’s what I’ve heard.

There are even laws on how much sugar you can buy. In any case, we were happily burning sugar bags when one of us noticed every bag had a coupon on it for 10 cents. We made several hundred dollars and we’d burned several thousand dollars of empty bags.

To be fair, that’s not the only money I’ve burned or is likely to be the only money I’ll waste in my life. Some folks even think buying a fire truck is in that category but who cares what they think.