Questions, Answers, and Blesh

It is Tuesday morning and I am still here so I must have survived the surplus sale. Management was pleased. I only bought one. That’s right, one. I survived these sales for years by only buying one, two, or three. This was before she learned the spaces were as important as what I said. The conversations were like this. “What did you buy? “Just two,” (truckloads). “That’s great, what was it?” I realize “it” is usually singular but I assumed by “it” she meant what was the best buy of the day. I was certain she didn’t want a list of every item in the load. Besides, I don’t always know what I bought. Her next question was always, “How much was it?” This week it was 10. I also maintain she should have asked if it was 10 cents, dollars or thousands. It isn’t my fault; I was single so long I didn’t really understand what she wanted to know.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

Marriage should come with a manual. Women think differently than men. Men overestimate assets and women overestimate liabilities. This is why a couple should Blesh. i.e. Blend and Mesh. Together we are a rational entity, and have good judgment.

I realized today the source of Management’s objection to auctions. It happened just after we discovered we were adding to the world population. The pending arrival of a Bratlet affects women differently than men. Men get big and proud and we say, “I am going to be a father.”

We act like we have just accomplished something no man has ever done before. We pound our chests and start planning half-sized guns, cars, and baseball equipment. Women on the other hand go into nesting mode. They paint nurseries, buy educational toys, and miniature clothing.

I am convinced that when the doctor tells a woman she is pregnant, she thinks two things. One is, I get to eat for two, and gain weight and no one can say anything. The other is, How are we going to pay for college?

The woman will order enough pint-sized clothing to open a small store, the man a scale model fire truck with a working siren or a four-wheeler. All of this happens before the child has achieved the size of a small walnut.

The preceding are general observations, supported by at least one other person. My personal experience involves only one out of one pregnant woman. I observed both personality and energy changes, which accompanied the event. Management had, prior to pregnancy, more energy and bounce than anyone I’d ever known. Immediately following the pregnancy, which immediately followed the wedding, she became irritable and wanted to sleep. I will admit to wondering what happened to my bouncy happy bride.

In the early weeks of post wedding and early pregnancy, we attended a surplus sale. This was our second real auction together. I only bought one for 35.

It just happened that the one was the ugliest car ever made. It was a 1953 Dodge four-door that was missing the seats, and didn’t run. In my defense, a man had just told me if he could ever find that exact model of car, he would pay $350 for it. The way I do the math is that is a 10 percent profit and well worth the risk.

Shortly after my purchase, Management found me in the crowd. She was a bit irritable. “Did you buy that piece of junk?” she sweetly asked. This was before I learned to be vague and I admitted to the purchase. The irritability factor increased. “You paid $500.00 for THAT?

It turned out that a friend? of mine set me up and told her that was what I paid. I intend to return the favor one day.

It was a valuable lesson. If they think you spent $500, they don’t bat an eye at the $35.