Prepositions, Propositions, and Free Pigs

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

As we were driving through town, we noticed a sign Free Pig, pick her up now.

Now everyone but a complete idiot knows it is always foolish to take a free farm animal.

For that matter, it is usually foolish to take any animal free.

Management knows this and claims she has a list that proves it.  On that list are a ferret, a 12-foot reticulated python, a tagu lizard, a pigeon-toed horse, a Vietnamese pig, a burro with an attitude, and a few other creatures too strange to mention.

As I said, only an idiot would take a free pig.  On the other hand, one just has to wonder why a Bed and Breakfast is disposing of a pig.  A simple phone call answered this question.  Roxie, the pig, is an escape artist that loves to root up flowerbeds and generally destroy the landscape.

This limits the potential pig takers to those who have an escape-proof pen, who also have no wife, no gardens and no landscaping.  Since there is no such thing as an escape-proof pigpen, it seemed to me finding Roxie a home was unlikely.

On the other hand, pigs ARE built out of hams, pork chops and sausage. Then again, it would be cannibalism to eat a family pet so that limits the potential takers.

As it happened, I was mistaken that only an idiot would take a free pig. Although most people don’t realize it, before it was incorrectly and overused to refer to anyone who happened to disagree with us, idiot was a scientific term referring to a person with an IQ of under 20.  Above idiot are imbecile and moron, followed by various levels of deficiency until we reach what is unkindly referred to as normal.

As we were loading Roxie, I realized this will take the place of that IQ test I always wanted to take but was afraid I would fail.  When Management sees Roxie she will say, What kind of (one of the above terms) would take a free pig?  Then I can compare that term to the chart and I’ll finally know my IQ.

Of course, the above chronology is how it happened in my head not the actual order of events according to traditional time.  In your time also known as real time, it happened like this.  Saw the sign, called Paul, and asked, Do I have to chase it?  Said I’ll be right there.

I always spend as much time as necessary to consider the pros and cons of anything before I agree.  This usually takes between 5 and 15 seconds.  I never rush into anything.

Obviously the next issue is to find someone with a boy pig that needs a home.  I don’t know if it’s my early training with the Garden of Eden and Noah’s ark that requires animals two by two or if my Scot’s heritage hates to see a vacant uterus frolicking about a farm, but something has to be done. Please call if you have a nice male pig that I won’t have to chase.

I have already protected myself from any consequences if Roxie escapes and roots up Management’s flowers.   Here it is, my love, I got you another pet.  Now if Roxie escapes it will be HER pig not mine responsible for the trouble.

I recently discovered a friend of mine has started a movement to have Averett changed from a proper noun to several other parts of speech.  I have already been the object of a preposition and once even the object of a proposition, so I don’t mind.

Last week he went to pick up a pair of deer antlers for a project he was working on.  He came home with a pickup load of antlers.  His excuse was:  I guess I did an Averett on that one.

He is also using me as a verb.  When asked about a postponed project he said, I’m Averetting that. I’ll get to it in a year or so.

I guess I should be honored, but if he makes me into an adverb I’m going to be annoyed.