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Post Turtles

   Written by on May 1, 2014 at 3:51 pm

Everybody here in Stump County has seen a post turtle. You all being city folks you may not have ever seen one. What happens is some kid finds a terrapin and sits him on the top of a fence post. The turtle just sits there kicking his legs but he can’t get down. Well, this week some kid put a turtle on the hitching post in front of Ludd’s Local Likkers and Libations. Someone else put up a sign that said, “Meet President Yo Mama.”

The Stump County Chronicles are a satire about an imaginary county located in rural Virginia. Stump County, population 999, is filled with imaginary people who are struggling with real life problems as they attempt to move into the 20 century. The writer, Half Whitt, is imaginary. He works for the imaginary newspaper, The Sneezeville Sentinel. Trying to contact Half Whitt? Send letters to editor@southsidemessenger.com, or mail to The Southside Messenger, P.O. Box 849, Keysville, VA 23947 and we’ll pass it along!

The Stump County Chronicles are a satire about an imaginary county located in rural Virginia. Stump County, population 999, is filled with imaginary people who are struggling with real life problems as they attempt to move into the 20 century. The writer, Half Whitt, is imaginary. He works for the imaginary newspaper, The Sneezeville Sentinel.
Trying to contact Half Whitt? Send letters to editor@southsidemessenger.com, or mail to The Southside Messenger, P.O. Box 849, Keysville, VA 23947 and we’ll pass it along!

The thing with a post turtle is, “He don’t know how he got there, he didn’t get there by his own ability, he is elevated above his capacity, he can’t do nothin’ but kick, he ain’t done nothin’ while he’s there and you have to wonder what kind of fool put him there. “

But enough of that old joke. We told it on Prez Shrub Jr. and Shrub Sr. and that one who couldn’t remember which women he was messin’ with and old Ronald Reagan who couldn’t remember much at all.

Y’all remember Reagan’s Trickle Down Economics? The Republicons said it worked, the Democraps said it didn’t but they both kept spending money and increasing the national debt.

This week the folks who said Trickle Down didn’t work released some studies that they say proves “Every dollar the Gov’mit spent on feeding folks created $1.84 in benefits.” They say this happens because when the poor eat better it makes more jobs feeding them and thereby stimulates the economy. I guess they would call it trickle-up economics if they didn’t hate Reagan so much.

Well, dang my cats, we believe in helping feed folks but they really shouldn’t be feedin’ us that kind of bull. Our schools may not go but to the fifth grade but we can do math better than that. As we always say, “We may be dumb but we ain’t stupid.” If they could do that they should feed the whole dadblamed country and pay off the national debt with the profit.

In real math it works like this. The Gov’mit borrows a dollar to feed the poor. Let’s pretend they aren’t stupid either and it really makes a dollar eighty-four. So, they spent a dollar but now they owe a dollar and interest and that 84 cents doesn’t go to pay the bill. If it takes 20 years to pay it off it’s gonna cost more than two bucks in the long run. Don’t take my word for it, run it through one of them calculators.

But here’s the real kicker. If they left a dollar with the guy or gal who earned it, and he or she spent it, it would also generate $1.84 in benefits and maybe make a job for someone who needs money for food AND nobody would have to pay it back and the Gov’mit would collect more in taxes.

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