Picking Locks,  Snakes in the House and Grandbrats Behind Bars

I recently noticed an interesting phenomenon. I am frequently asked to unlock cars and to meet people and let them in buildings. No one ever gives me a key. This would be fine if they left the doors unlocked but they don’t. I have to wonder if this is a slur on my character. Is it that they don’t trust me enough to give me a key?

On the other hand, locks don’t really mean much. The last one had a regular lock and two deadbolts. It took a pocketknife, a credit card and, well, never mind, and about three minutes to open the door.   

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

I’m just not impressed with locks as a people deterrent. I have a theory that a dog, a couple of snakes and a shotgun do more to discourage folks than any lock.

Sometimes just a little snake will do it by itself. This weekend Management and I went downstairs to check out the little fountain we installed outside the back door. The fountain was a used one I got at my favorite price of zero dollars and zero cents. It is quite satisfactory and makes happy gurgling noises.

Interestingly, a fountain making happy gurgling noises is peaceful but Management finds the happy gurgling noises I make in my sleep annoying. I intend to research this further but not now.

As we were walking through the basement Management screamed. Now keep in mind, Management is not a screamer. She may be intense on occasion, or raise her voice a little and on rare occasions she may snap at me (only when I deserve it) but she doesn’t scream.

This means when she screams I should listen. After carefully evaluating the situation, I realized she had almost stepped on a beautiful little Black Rat Snake asleep on the floor. I knew exactly how she felt. I have often been upset when I almost injure an innocent snake that was minding his own business.

Fortunately the snake was fine other than a little scared. I took it outside and put it in the woodpile and suggested to it that it find a safer place to sleep.

By then Management was fine. Apparently she realized she hadn’t hurt the snake. Then she wanted to know how it got in the house. We have had this conversation before.

How am I supposed to know how a snake got in anymore than I know how a spider got in? For that matter, when we have company, unless I see them coming in I don’t know which door they used or if they came in a window. Sometimes I don’t remember how I got in.

Along those lines as we were discussing our anniversary, Management asked me what we did for my bachelor party. I am fairly certain I didn’t have one. Actually I am fairly certain I did not have one the night before our wedding. I do have some vague memories of parties in my bachelor years between 1972 and 1985. Maybe my bachelor party was just longer than most but in any case I’m sure Management wasn’t asking for all of those details.

The daughter just sent me a picture of the Grandbrat. He is standing in his new baby bed holding onto two of the bars and looking out. At seven months I don’t think he has done anything to deserve being behind bars.  He’s not tall enough to reach a doorknob, much less pick a lock. Besides, these things usually happen from either keeping or being bad company. Right now he doesn’t have much choice about the company he is keeping so it isn’t his fault.

If he were an adult and actually guilty of something, he could find hundreds of supporters to protest for his release. As it is, I guess it is up to me to teach him how to escape.