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Perfectionism, A Positive or Negative Trait

   Written by on February 21, 2019 at 1:38 pm
Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us at our counseling practice with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us at our counseling practice with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.

Have you ever been asked in a job interview, what is your greatest weakness?  Was your answer that you always strive to be perfect and tend to overwork?  Years ago, during a course on job interviewing, that was given as the best answer to that question.  The idea being that you present a trait most employers would see as a strength, as a weakness.  Today’s question:  is perfectionism a positive or negative trait?

To answer that question, first let’s look at the meaning of perfectionism.   Webster’s definition is “to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable.”  Some define perfectionism as motivation to achieve being our best.

Ok, who can fault the desire to do our best?  Like many personality traits, it depends on the level you seek to be perfect and the reason for your perfectionism.

Yes, it is good to be motivated to do well and put forth our best effort in work and relationships.  However, perfectionism is often the result of the fear of failing or disappointing others and not striving to be better.  Perfectionism based on fear can have a negative impact on the way we live and our relationships with family and friends.

Unhealthy perfectionism means setting impossibly high standards for yourself and others. You work incredibly hard to do everything exactly right in order to avoid the feeling of being rejected or criticized.  Now, everyone tries to avoid making mistakes.  However, to a perfectionist, making any mistake feels monumental and creates a high level of anxiety and fear of being exposed as weak, incapable, or a failure.

By setting impossibly high standards, perfectionists often live in constant worry, stress, fear, and exhaustion.  Predictably, the perfectionist is unable to reach the high standards set and this creates a sense of worthlessness.  It is important to understand that perfectionism is less about achieving excellence than it is about a fear of rejection, a fear of exposure, a fear of disappointment, or a fear of failure.

As you are reading do you see yourself?  Breaking a habit of perfectionism is challenging and requires persistence mixed with grace.

Your first step is to be honest with yourself.  Truthfully, do you believe that you can reach perfection?  In order to move away from perfectionism, you must accept the fact that perfection can never be reached.  It is a goal you will never attain.

To help you make this shift from believing you can reach perfection, redefine your definition of failure.  Failure is not anything less than perfection; give yourself permission to make mistakes.  Mistakes are inevitable and you can learn from your mistakes.  Change from judging and criticizing yourself for your mistake; focus on what you learned.

Next, take a step back and look at the areas of your life where you are setting perfectionist goals or standards.  Are you demanding perfection at work, in your relationships, or in your appearance?  Identifying these areas will help you shift your thinking.

Highlight the negative thoughts and unkind ways that you talk to yourself.  Are you aware of how you talk to yourself?  We generally would never allow others to speak to us the way that we speak to ourselves.  Listen to yourself and determine if your thoughts are accurate.  Change your thought patterns from criticizing yourself, to an internal dialogue that is positive.  Don’t allow negative thought patterns to rule your thoughts, actions, or opinion of yourself.  Listen to the Bible; “… take every thought captive to obey Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Make a point to recognize everything you do well; not perfect, just well.  Don’t minimize your successes; encourage yourself.

You may find it helpful to work through your perfectionism with someone.  Ask a friend to be your accountability partner; a person who can help identify when you are setting unattainable perfectionist goals.   Your goal is to see yourself the way God sees you, without the impossible standards, as well as knowing that He is perfect so that we don’t have to be perfect.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  Psalm 139:14

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions; our phone number is 434-808-2637.

About Cheryl & Dennis Gowin

Cheryl Gowin, Counselor and Dennis Gowin, Director of Discovery Counseling Center. Contact us with your feedback, comments, issues or questions at 434-808-2426 or dgowin@discoverycounseling.org.

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