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Paying Up, Cleaning Up and Dressing Up

   Written by on November 3, 2016 at 9:37 am
The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

It’s Wednesday afternoon and I just spent a long lonely hour standing on the main street of Keysville waiting. I had appointments with at least a dozen people and not one of them showed up. Maybe it is my fault for not selecting a specific location but after all, our main street (actually King Street) is only five or six blocks long. On the other hand, maybe they were waiting on the actual Main Street, which is an alley but I did look and didn’t see them there either.

I just don’t know what to think. When they want to find me every one of them manages to find me but today not one showed up. All of them had made me various promises beginning with If Robert Hurt wins, or If the Republicans win…I will… on Main Street of Keysville at high noon and give you 15 minutes to draw a crowd.

Well, Mr. Hurt won and the Republicans won and I was on the main street at high noon – alone. I guess it’s just as well since I had no intentions of collecting my winnings. In fact, it would have taken at least all twelve of them (and some backup) to force me to collect but at the very least I expected them to arrive prepared to deliver instead of standing me up.

I guess that’s just one more example of how people lie when it comes to politics.

Frankly, I expect the politicians to lie (and once they do I vote against them) but not their supporters.

I had just left the polls when the daughter called to say she had hit a deer with her car. The car was damaged – the deer was a total loss, at least for the deer. This brings up a dilemma. Who is responsible for the accident? Was it the Democrats’ fault for failing to include road-crossing lessons for the deer in the stimulus or did they do it on purpose to stimulate the auto repair shops?

Were the Republicans responsible for cutting trees or did all of the Democrats hugging the trees scare the deer out of the woods?

In any case, the daughter did everything correctly. She didn’t swerve, just hit the brakes (and the deer). She dragged it out of the road and called the police and me.

Once all of that was done, like the Country Girl she is, she said, “Do we field dress it here or take it home and do it there?”

All of that was fine but then she wanted me to save the skin and the brains so she could tan the hide. You may not know it but every animal except humans have exactly enough brains to tan their own hides. On the other hand, I may not have enough brains to tan my own hide but I do have enough brains to know that a father/daughter hide-tanning project is going to end up more father than daughter.

I have enough projects trying to clean up a few things so my bride Management will be happy. Last weekend I hauled away two loads of stuff. I call that progress. Management sees what is left rather than what left.

She actually told the guys helping me that I have more stuff than she. That is not only incorrect, it is unfair. She has some stuff and me. I am 100 percent and totally hers; therefore, my stuff is her stuff.

In addition to cleaning out some stuff at home I am doing the same at the office. I am throwing out stuff, rearranging stuff, giving stuff away and selling stuff. All of this is a strain but it has to be done.

I gave the son a few labels that won’t fit my new and improved label printer. His wife accused him of stealing them based on “Averett isn’t going to throw anything good away.” I don’t like to see anything go to waste but sometimes throwing something away is more beneficial to domestic tranquility. That goes for deer skins, obsolete labels and at least one more thing, but I can’t think of what it might be.

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