Parenting Children from Hard Places

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us at our counseling practice with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.

Have you accepted the privilege of adopting a child out of the foster care program?  The Virginia Department of Social Services reports currently over 5,000 children in Virginia’s foster care system with over 700 children also available for adoption.  In Virginia, foster parents adopt a majority of the children adopted out of the foster care program.

This is an encouraging trend.  However, adopting a child who is in foster care can also present unique challenges.  Many children come from traumatic, unstable backgrounds and reflect the effects of early childhood trauma, abuse, and/or neglect.  Some children have suffered physical or emotional abuse.  This abuse can reflect in numerous relational barriers between your child and you.  Your child may also act out violently or become sullen, withdrawn, or silent.

Thankfully, if you have adopted a child from a traumatic background, there are steps you can take to build a stronger connection with him or her.  The process can be slow, and it may require a great deal of patience as well as a willingness to parent differently than you may think.

Dr. Karyn Purvis and her team at Texas Christian University developed a parenting model called Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI).  Extensive attachment, sensory processing, and neuroscience research supports this parenting model.  TBRI is an attachment-based, trauma-informed parenting model designed to meet the complex needs of vulnerable children.  TBRI focuses on Empowering Principles to address physical needs, Connecting Principles for attachment needs, and Correcting Principles to disarm fear-based behaviors.  The fundamental core of TBRI is developing connection.  Dr. Purvis is quoted, “When you connect to the heart of a child, everything is possible.”

For children exposed to difficult circumstances or trauma during childhood, a special parenting style proves beneficial.  A couple of factors support this need for a unique parenting style.  First, a child, whose brain is wounded by trauma, has difficulty responding positively to traditional parenting methods.  This is especially important to remember when your child behaves irrationally or withdraws sullenly into a corner.  Secondly, the more you try to force a change in behavior, the more frustrated you’ll become.  That’s because your child’s acting out is due to his or her brain being in a “reactive” mode that stems from emotions such as fear, anger, and hurt.

Specifically, TBRI is designed for children from “hard places” such as abuse, neglect, and/or trauma.  Because of their histories, it is often difficult for these children to trust the loving adults in their lives.  TBRI offers practical tools for parents, caregivers, teachers, or anyone who works with children, to see the whole child and help that child reach his/her highest potential.

This model of parenting identifies “reactive” patterns inside your child’s brain and show how these reactive patterns influence behavior.  Once you gain a good understanding of your child’s reactive patterns, you can address problematic issues at that level before dealing directly with his/her actions.  The aim is to help your child transition to a “responsive” mode where he/she can make a conscious choice to engage in acceptable behavior.

You can find out more about this model of parenting by going to TCU’s Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development website www.child.tcu.edu.  The resource page offers several free videos designed to help parents understand their child’s brain development.  Also, Dr. Purvis’ book on the subject, The Connected Child, Bringing Hope and Healing to the Adoptive Family, is an excellent resource.  If you feel that you need more specific help in utilizing this parenting model the website also provides a list of TBRI-trained counselors.

Don’t forget, as you set out on this journey toward connecting with your child, it’s vital that you and your spouse make time for yourselves, time to re-energize.  Find options for downtime and use that time for your marriage relationship.  You are learning a new model of parenting based on the needs of your adoptive child and the process that takes time.  If these safeguards for your own health and well-being aren’t in place, the chance of burnout greatly increases.

Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.  1 Peter 3:8

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Call us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions; our phone number is 434-808-2637.