One Just Like Her, Son, Free-Bee and In My Defense, I Was Left Unsupervised

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

This is terrible. I am upset. Grand-brat #3 AKA Dauntless just arrived wearing a tee-shirt with the statement on it “In my defense, I was left unsupervised.” How could my Brat (mother of the G-brats) have done such a thing? This is inexcusable. I expect this situation to be remedied ASAP.

To be fair there have been several incidents which I do not intend to discuss. There is also the issue that the definition of unsupervised is ambiguous.  Is he unsupervised when he is sitting in my chair with me reading a book and suddenly teleports?  Is he unsupervised when I am cooking breakfast, turn to flip a fried egg and upon turning back find him on top of the refrigerator?

It is my personal belief that he has several superpowers. He can teleport, levitate, break anything including cannon balls and vanish.

So back to my girl-child’s inexcusable failure. WHERE is MY shirt? I’ve needed one of these for years. I just never thought of having one printed. How could she neglect me?  Is it my fault when I am left unsupervised at an auction? Management should know better by now. Why am I blamed?  Why don’t I have a shirt?

A few weeks ago I was given another boat. It wasn’t my fault I was left unsupervised. The godfather and I brought it home. It was a lovely green color from the moss growing on it. It was missing some critical parts but the price was my favorite price and I was unsupervised.

After cleaning her up and naming her Free-Bee I proceeded to replace the missing parts. Now one of the most common complaints about boat ownership is the cost of repairs. So far I have made all necessary repairs using parts from inventory. I knew that collection of junk boats would come in handy someday.  At this point my total cost for Free-Bee and repairs is zero dollars and zero cents. I like it.

I did have to build a trailer for her but I don’t intend to discuss that. I will say that I was forced to purchase some new parts such as tires, brakes and springs. I almost caused my welder friend to have another heart attack when I showed up with new parts. He accused me of being an imposter for Averett.

Speaking of my collection of junk boats by my calculation I have only one. Some things come in various quantities. Beer is in six or twelve packs. Cigarettes in cartons of 10, migrant workers used to come in fours but that may have changed. Eggs come by the dozen and as far as I am concerned since boats are breakable like eggs they should be the same.  Ergo, I have only “one” boat.

So far I have only one complaint with boating. That is when transporting one when I stop for gas some old guy stops and says “I had one just like her.” It reminds me of that country song, “I had one just like her, son-in 1963 but the man down at the bank took her from me.  She was hotter than a two-dollar pistol-she was the fastest thing around” and so on. When the young man offers to let the old guy drive his Corvette he says, “It’s not your car I like- it’s the brunette …..” Look it up on YouTube; it’s fun but I’m getting tired of having it rattling around in my head for weeks at a time. Then just as it has faded out someone stops by and does it again.

Then to make it worse the one “just like her” was a different brand, style, shape and color. If you ever see me standing in a parking lot beside a boat screaming while another old guy watches that’s what just happened.