Nothing Happened This Week in Sneezeville

It is always a quiet in Sneezeville but this week absolutely nothing happened. I mean nothing. Nobody even caught a cold or a chicken. Nobody was even growled at by a dog much less bitten. Otis Sneezleweed didn’t even say “My daddy did it that way and my granddaddy did it that way and if it was good enough for them then it is good enough for me. “ Nobody fussed at our reporter Carlotta Gutz for telling the truth because there was nothing for her to tell. Lo Quasious didn’t sit on the porch of The Yak n Snack and tell of his travels.

Cletus Stumpwater didn’t get into a fight over his pigpen and his pet pig Blossom. Nobody stole or even borrowed a horse. Elimira and her Yankee husband of Flat Broke but Still Proud Plantation didn’t have a party on the remaining two acres of the family estate. Ralph (Napoleon) Stumpwater didn’t make a speech.

Nobody fought a duel or challenged anyone to one. The mayor didn’t make a shrewd business deal. Officer Bustah Butts didn’t arrest anyone or let anyone off. No kids were caught horse racing on the main street. The mayors new phone didn’t ring. There was a rumor that some kids were smoking corn silk behind the barn but if they were, they were gone before anyone caught them.

Nobody eloped or left a spouse, or died or any- thing. Our guess is everybody is just plain tired of winter and the dreary weather and is staying home. Pastor Needham Flock of the First Second Third Church didn’t preach a sermon and no one attended the service anyway. I did not have my weekly discussion with him on is there “life after cancellation” for fictional characters. The Sneezeville Social Register didn’t print “bad things about good people or good things about bad people” as usual. It didn’t print any- thing that we hadn’t already printed in The Sentinel last week. Even I wouldn’t stoop to that. I am Half Whitt, the part-time reporter for the Sneezeville Sentinel and I work for coffee. If I don’t write the column, I don’t get coffee. So here goes.

The best thing about a fictional town is when nothing happens we get to make something up. Miss Lottie Da buggied to Farmtown to dine with her friends, I could do a bunch of those but who really cares, I don’t. I just want my coffee. Since Carlotta isn’t here this week to tell me I can’t, I just decided to expand Sneezeville to include all of Slump County, which I am going to rename. Of Course, Carlotta may change it back when she returns but I’ll have already finished my coffee. Until she does Slump County is here- by renamed Stump County and is all within the town limits. Another great thing about fiction is that we can change the laws of physics and nature.

Next week, spring will arrive, the sun will shine, the birds will tweet and Cletus will be ready to fight someone. Maybe Carlotta will finally get to fight her duel with the Mayor. Who knows, in a fictional town anything is possible.