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New Uses for a Fire Truck, the New Despicables and New is Not Better

   Written by on January 23, 2014 at 2:52 pm

I went into the office (oops, I almost said into work which would imply I actually do something here and this column is always truthful) to discover it was Minion Monday.

The people who actually do the work here were dressed in yellow.

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The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

Now, I’ve always wanted a few minions. Well, not always. I originally wanted a horde as in Genghis Khan’s horde but couldn’t find one and if I had I couldn’t have afforded to feed them. Besides, with a horde there is always somebody who wants to eliminate the Khan and replace him. I wouldn’t mind that as much as historically Khans are removed in a messy and painful way. In any case, I decided minions are safer.

Apparently since the son moved on to his own newspaper I have inherited his minions. Now I have another problem. What is the leader of minions called? The minions say the correct title is “Despicable” which is apparently a reference to some movie. I have to say it sounds a little insulting but it isn’t the first time I’ve been called that.

On a happy note, my fire truck should arrive next week. I still maintain the minor misunderstanding on my part wasn’t my fault. My bride Management and I have had these miscommunications regularly for almost thirty years. Some of the problem is the differences between men and women. As you have heard, “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.” It’s interesting but the consensus of those who know me is I am not from Mars- or Earth- or anywhere known to man. Management should know better than to expect normal behavior from me.

I clearly had permission BEFORE I bought it. I suggested buying a fire truck for the Grand-brats and was told that was a good idea. It wasn’t my fault that an actual full-sized fire truck came up for sale the next day that just happened to be the one I’ve always wanted. Nowhere in the conversation was the size of the truck discussed. If Management was only approving a specific size I think it might have been wise to include that in the approval.

The first issue was how to get it home. My choice was to take Amtrak to New York and drive it home. My support team questioned the wisdom of attempting to drive a 70-year-old truck 500 miles in the middle of winter when it hasn’t been driven since the Fourth of July parade. I was forced to agree. I wasn’t concerned with the same issues but realized those Northern states put salt on their roads which isn’t good for fire trucks.

I arranged shipping with a trucking company. Now, I have two additional issues. One of the reasons for this particular truck is my office is in the old fire house where a truck exactly like this one sat for twenty or thirty years. I’ve had a garage just waiting for it. The problem is I have it full of stuff.

The other problem is once you buy a fire truck what do you do with it? There has been some discussion that this should have been resolved sooner. There’s always the Christmas parade and The Truckers Parade Against Cancer and-and-and…The local fire department can take it to the annual competition and-and…

Well, that accounts for three days. I’m pretty confident I can figure out some way to justify this. Any suggestions on this would be appreciated.

The only negative is I am going to have to sell six or five vehicles from my collection of ever so attractive stuff that is sprinkled around our yard to pay for it. On the other hand, six out and one in should make Management happy. Especially since the fire truck is more attractive than some of the others.

Come to think about it, maybe I should be concerned. Getting rid of stuff just because it is old and useless and replacing it with better and more attractive stuff just might be a bad precedent to set around here.

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