My Spouse Is An Alcoholic! Now What?

Drinking alcohol is a legal option that everyone over 21 faces.  For some, it is a straightforward choice.  It takes no effort to decide not to drink at all or to stop at one drink.  For others, the decision to drink opens the door to uncontrolled drinking and leads to overindulgence.  That is, to drink to the point that the alcohol has total control.  So, if your spouse drinks too much, how do you get him or her to stop?  What can you do to save your wife or husband from themselves?

You may not like this answer – nothing, you can’t.  Your spouse has to want to stop drinking.  No amount of nagging can force that decision.  However, you can play an essential role in his or her healing process.  These are some anchors that you can use to support his or her change and to promote a healthy lifestyle.  As Sandy Swanson states, letting go is not giving up.

Anchor One  Realize that you cannot make your spouse stop drinking.  You have no control over anyone else.  Your spouse has made a series of poor choices.  Based on these decisions, his or her addiction has developed, probably over a long time.  He or she is the only one that can take the first step in making a change.   You should remember to “DETACH” – don’t even think about changing him or her. 

 Anchor Two  You can set healthy boundaries.  A boundary is a necessary and wholesome dividing line between two people.  A defined boundary reflects that you are a separate person with your own physical and emotional needs.  Understand that your spouse is in a battle that you can’t fight for him or her.  You can set boundaries.  For example, drinking is not allowed in front of you or when the kids are present.  You won’t make excuses for him or her.  You won’t cover for him or her, such as calling into work to say he or she is sick.  You won’t buy him or her alcohol.  

Listen to Melody Beattie. “We can say what we need to say.  We can gently, but assertively, speak our mind.  We do not need to be judgmental, tactless, blaming, or cruel when we speak our truths.”  

Anchor Three  This is a battle, and both you and your spouse need support.  Find a Christian counselor that can help you and your spouse.  Don’t wait for your spouse to agree to begin counseling.  You need your army behind you in facing your part of this battle.  Finding a counselor starts the process. 

An additional source of support in your battle is the local Celebrate Recovery meeting.  Celebrate Recovery meetings help the person struggling with the addiction.  Additionally, you’ll find the meetings also provide support to you and help you deal with your issues.

Anchor Four  A phrase you hear in recovery is “find a new playpen.”  Part of rebuilding your life alcohol-free is creating a new circle of friends.  You can encourage new safe friendships for both you and your spouse.  This anchor does contain an element you can accomplish; you can stop drinking. The plans for family holidays and celebrations can be changed to avoid alcohol.  The locations for merriments can be chosen based on limited or no alcohol availability.  If your brother or sister loves to drink at every party with your spouse, don’t go!  Family support can be crucial.  Although, family members who are heavy drinkers can feel intimidated when a close family member or friend stops drinking.  If this is the case, avoid situations where drinking is part of the plan.

Lastly, celebrate the recovery process.  Plan reward dates and use the alone time to recommit to one another.  The final action to take is to forgive past failures and focus on current successes. 

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness, and self-control. Against such things, there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.  Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking, and envying each other. 

Galatians 5:22-26

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions; our phone number is 434-808-2637.