Mischief Under the Sheets, Round Numbers & Management Guidelines

Last night I had some problems under the sheets. Usually what happens in my bed stays in my bed and is not discussed in this column. Last night I had an unusual sensation like someone was chewing on my toes. Not having a toe fetish and having never had anyone chew on my toes before this was somewhat surprising. My bride Management was still asleep and there shouldn’t have been anyone else under my covers. When it started scratching my legs I realized it was my new little nameless kitten. She had climbed up the side of the bed under the covers and was attacking my feet. This was not an acceptable situation. I don’t believe I should ever be hurt while I am in bed.

I evicted Unnamed and realized she had to have a name soon so I can call her names with the proper emphasis. I’ve been sent a lot of possible names. By the way she is a she. I didn’t think to mention that since all calico cats are she. They include Ti’Gress, Pounce de Leon, Qwerty (from the computer keyboard), and Strophe as in Catastrophe. Send in your suggestions by next Tuesday and if I choose your name I give you something. Send them to Averett@southsidemessenger.com

Management and I have been trying to do a better job at keeping the house organized. She’s following some woman on line who gives great advice that seems to work. Apparently one of the things she advises is to make me more organized. This concerns me somewhat but having a neat house-er-neater house will make Management happy which ultimately makes me happier.

I’d been trying hard to do my part. Then Sunday night there wasn’t a clean dish in the cabinet. This wasn’t my fault. Somehow we had a non-stop procession of folks eating. There were dishes in the wash-disher and there were dishes on the table with people eating from them but none in the cabinet. We either need more dishes or a smaller family and fewer friends.

During our almost 30 years of marriage Management and I have worked out most of those irritating little things that couples need to adjust to remain happily married. For example, I had to give up the use of the word adequate. Prior to meeting Management I found adequate to be a useful and adequate word. It meant and still means “meeting all needs.” It is a good word. Shortly after our wedding I learned that adequate should never be used to describe anything a wife does, cooks or makes.

During those same years Management learned to look the other way and to ignore some of things I bought at auctions and other places. She finally learned that I buy things and I sell things and I usually make a profit. She understands profit.

She also learned to accept my mathematical calculations of profit. I say buy it for a dollar and sell it for two dollars or more and be happy with a minimum one percent profit. For those of you who actually passed fifth grade math don’t tell me my math is wrong. I’ve been making money with it for 50 years and it has always worked for me.

One issue Management and I haven’t resolved is “rounding” numbers. I am an optimist and I always round income up and expenses down. Management does it the other way.

I see 950 dollars income as almost a thousand, she sees it as 900. I see 950 in expense as 900 and she sees it as almost a thousand. The only way I can see to resolve this is for me to use actual numbers which isn’t as much fun.

She does the same thing with the scale. When I step on the scale I just look and if the line is over 200 I say ick and eat less. Occasionally I consider losing enough weight so I am roughly the same size as when we were married- realizing of course that my proportions have changed and I still won’t be able to wear my wedding suit again.

On the other hand, one of those things a wise husband learns early in his married life is this: it is always foolish to lose weight at a faster rate than the wife.

Although I am often a fool, I am not foolish enough to try that.