Love As A Choice

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us at our counseling practice with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.

Do you wonder if you will ever be in love?  How would you define love?  Is it a feeling?  Is love something you are desperate to have?  What are you looking for from love?

Webster’s short definition for love is a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person.  This definition seems too simple.  Webster’s long definition covers more of the depth of the meaning of love:  unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another as the fatherly concern of God for humankind or brotherly concern for others.

The biblical word for love “agape,” describes love as a commitment to meet the needs and best interests of another with the goal of spiritual and emotional growth – without any expectations.  Agape love is a commitment of the will; it does not require emotional motivation.  Agape love is a concern for the needs of another, such as love, acceptance, and respect.  Agape love focuses on meeting the other person’s best interests.  You are probably familiar with 1 Corinthians 13 description of love:  Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Sounds wonderful.  Ok, is there such a thing as unhealthy love?

Yes.  Unhealthy love has no boundaries; it is selfish.  It leaves you feeling powerless.  Unhealthy love is contingent and creates a feeling of dependency.  There is a feeling of desperation in unhealthy love.  Unhealthy love looks like a tug of war.   

A commonplace mistaken belief is that dependency equals love.  Dependency is the inability to experience wholeness or to function adequately without the certainty of someone caring for you.  At times, we all look to a loved one, a strong person who has only our needs at heart, to care for us.  A problem can develop when this wish starts to control our lives and becomes our predominant desire.

An action explained as love may not be healthy love.  A husband says he does not want his wife to worry about money, so he does not allow her to have a checkbook, a credit card, or knowledge of where they bank.  He takes her shopping and ok’s all purchases.  A Mom says she loves her son and wants to protect him.  She does not allow him to walk to school, play outside the house, ride a bike, play at a friend’s house, or be a member of a sports team.  She explains her actions by saying she loves him so much that she is protecting him from getting hurt.  Are they protecting or creating dependency?

Are you overly dependent?  Have you heard of passive dependent personality disorder (DPD)?  DPD is displayed when dependency governs one’s life; needy, passive, with clinging behavior describes the person.  Overly dependent people also have trouble making everyday decisions, like what to wear, without the advice and reassurance of others.  Overly dependent people will say they need someone to run their life.  Overly dependent people say they are looking for their knight in shining armor who will protect and provide for them by taking control of their life.

Healthy love is a choice and a two-way action.  It is something you decide to give as a gift.  It operates to shape and strengthens your loved one self-respect.  Healthy love creates the feeling of power and independent.  Can you say “I want my (insert friend’s / loved one’s name) approval but I don’t need it to feel worthwhile.  I am free to be me, to think of others, and to give love.”  Healthy love requires a tremendous amount of communication on all levels and constant reflection.  Healthy love builds trust, faith, and commitment to each other.  Healthy love promotes growth. Healthy love is a choice.

Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one life for his friends.  John 15:13

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Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions; our phone number is 434-808-2637.