Louvered Doors, Bolting and Underground Activities

Ten years or so ago, I almost finished the closet in the bathroom.  All that was left to do was paint the louvered bi-fold doors. Last year, I removed the doors, replaced the shelves and repainted the inside of the closet. I did get a little concerned while I was painting. It is one thing to go into a closet but it’s another thing to come out of one.  It seems like every time you hear about somebody coming out of a closet, their marriage breaks up.  I’d have been in trouble if my bride Management hadn’t said it was OK to come out.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

Yesterday, I started painting the doors.  I had nothing but trouble. See what I mean? I should have realized that the “bi” part was going to be an issue.   Maybe I should have just stayed in the closet. First of all, you would expect a two-dollar set of new closet doors to be easier to paint than these happened to be. I tried a brush and then I tried 4 rattle cans of spray paint. After three hours and $12.00 worth of paint, I had one of the doors halfway done.  Lesson one is never attempt to paint louvered doors. They have more edges and corners than 20 regular doors. There was more paint running down those doors than cows running in a stampede.

There is even a Biblical lesson here. You should never thin paint for louvered doors. The paint runs and doesn’t cover the surface. Then a voice from the sky says, “Repaint and thin no more.”

At that point, I decided to do something I’d never done before. I went to the building supply and bought a new pre-painted door set.  This was a case of cutting my losses. I often hear folks talk about “recouping” money lost in investments, the lottery, casinos, poker and so on. That almost never works.  On the other hand, there is a country song that says something like “you got to know when to hold ‘em-know when to fold ‘em-know when to walk away and know when to run.”  This was a case of folding ‘em and running.  In any case, that bathroom is finished except that Management wants to repaint.

I now have in inventory a nice set of closet doors that are half painted for sale.

I’ve been having some success (or success of some sort) with our little garden.  My $24.00 worth of strawberry plants yielded exactly 2 quarts of berries. They were good but that’s a little expensive.  On the positive side, the Grand-brats ate them and found them good.

Management got several salads from the lettuce and spinach before they bolted. Who knew plants could bolt? I’ve always avoided veggies on the premise that you should never eat anything that can’t escape.  Then we started reading about bolting. I was expecting to find little lettuces and spinaches running around the yard. That sounded like something I should see. As it turns out, bolting means “going to seed” which is something with which I am familiar. The older I get, the seedier I get.  I guess that means I am bolting.

My stew garden looks great but who knows if anything is happening under the ground.  When I make stew, I use meat – lots of meat, carrots, potatoes, onions and macaroni.  The macaroni and stew meat didn’t grow but the rest is doing something.  There are lots of leafy green compost type plants that unless they are lying should have lots of ‘taters, carrots and onions under them.

Still, they could just be showing off with nothing underneath. As they say in Texas, “All hat and no horse.”  I’ve met plenty of people like that. The problem with ‘taters is that it takes months to figure out if they are telling the truth.