Lost and Found

   Written by on December 14, 2017 at 12:33 pm

logo - stump countyIf you don’t know about Stump County we are located in Southside Virginia. Our population is 999 imaginary residents. Stump County is about 100 years behind the real world but things are good here.

Until a few years ago Lo Quasious was the only Stump County resident who had visited the real world and returned. Before that we had a few who left every year and were never heard from again.

Well, drat my cats iffen all of a sudden (in about 2008 in the real world) folks started moving to Stump County. Some folks blame me for this. My name is Half Whitt and I am the only reporter for the Stump County Newspaper.  Actually there are four of me but I am the only one who lives here in Stump County.

What happened was, back in 2004, Tom, a local tinkerer and fixit guy, was tryin’ to invent a telephone. You may have heard of Tom. He was Ed’s son.  I was loafin’ down at Tom’s shop when his phone rang. Tom was some surprised.  He had only made one phone so there wasn’t anyone to call him.  When I answered it was some guy in the real world who had a wrong number, whatever that is.

As always happens in Stump County when you meet somebody you have a chat about the weather, crops, chilluns, dogs, huntin’ and so on. It just happened that this guy in the real world had just started a little newspaper- was lookin’ for contributors-and signed me up.

Because of that more folks in the real world found out about us and some of them AND some of the folks who had left came back.  In spite of that our population has stayed at 999 folks because when younguns hear about the real world some of them just have to go see if Lo’s stories are real.

There are four kinds of folks movin’ here. Some are good people. Just so you know Good People means just what it says except “people” doesn’t necessarily mean more than one.  You should also know that every native to Stump County isn’t “Good People.”

Jim down the road is Good People.  He moved here.  He joined clubs and civic organizations. He joined a church. He helps pick up trash and helps fix the roads. He helps the poor and needy when they really need help and doesn’t help them when they are just being lazy.  He doesn’t brag, he doesn’t complain and he works hard. Jim is Good People.

Jim isn’t the only newcomer who’s good people. On the other hand, some of them we could do without.

In the last few years Stump County has been experiencing a plague of Returns, Roids and Rangs. Now the returns are great. They were successful and came home to retire.  We love hearing how they lived, and benefit from their experiences.  We love watching them, learning from them and helping them spend their money.

The Roids and Rangs are another story.  As you know a boomerang only returns to the thrower if it misses. The Rangs were failures in the real world and crawled back because they couldn’t make it in the real world. That’s not a problem. Home is where you go when the world has beaten you up. But some of them act superior to those of us who didn’t leave. They say things like, “All of the bright young people have to leave Stump County to get jobs.”

They ignore the fact that many locals in Stump County have been successful. Take Little Big for example. LB works hard, makes good decisions and has gone from poverty to being the richest man in Stump County, which, of course, is still poverty in the real world, but pretty impressive, considering.

Some of the Rangs had to wait until their Mamas and Daddies died before they moved back to the family home. They like to pretend they are successful. Some can’t get jobs and would be on welfare if Mama and Daddy (rest their souls) hadn’t been successful (in Stump County no less). Most have never earned one dime in Stump County but want to advise those who have on how to run our businesses, farms and the county.

The Roids are the same. There are Him-Roids and Her-Roids.  When they come down they are a royal Pain in the….oops…We’re in Stump County, 100 years behind the real world, I can’t write that.

The problem is when some folks are impressed by or scared of the Rangs. They support them because they are afraid of them.  At the last Bored Supervisor Meeting several folks voted the way they did because they were afraid of being fussed at if they didn’t.

I set up the Front Page above for the Sentinel but the Editor didn’t like it.

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