Listening – with Eyes and Ears

Dad is reading and Mom is busy cooking. Molly walks in, “Can I ask you something?” “Sure,” Mom replies without looking up. “Well, everyone is going to the beach and I really want to go. I can ride with Jay. I do not have to work that weekend. All the other kids’ parents say it’s ok,” Molly rapidly fires back. Dad, from behind the paper, mutters, “We’ll talk about it later.” Molly, frustrated, leaves the room. “You never listen to me, it just doesn’t matter.” Mom, still facing the stove, voices her surprise, “Why do you think we are not listening?”

Does this bring to mind a conversation with your teenager? We all fall into the multitasking trap. How many times have you been talking on the phone while sorting the mail, checking e-mail, and sending hand signals to someone? However, when it comes to communicating with your teenager, multitasking does not work. Your teenager is looking for focus when she needs to talk to you. Remember, your teenager wants you to treat him as an adult. Your teenager views your distracted behavior as lack of interest and minimization of her as an “adult.”

Listening is a skill. So how good are your listening skills? Take the following communication assessment; answer each question yes or no.

• I make assumptions about what my teen is feeling

• I finish my teen’s thoughts before he has finished talking

• I bring up past issues during current disagreements

• I interrupt my teenager in the middle of her statements

• I respond to a complaint with a complaint

• I respond to my teen with value judgment comments like, “That’s ridiculous.”

If you answered “yes” to any of these statements, then there is some room for improvement in your listening skills. Here are some thoughts on how to improve your listening skills.

Put down what you are doing when your teen says – can we talk. Do your best to maintain eye contact while talking with your teen. Good eye contact tells your teen you are focused and interested in the conversation. There are times that multitasking is ok, but talking with your teen is not one of those times

Be attentive and show your interest by reflecting back to your teen. Reflective listening is responding back to your teen with the same subject. Take care to hear what your teen is saying and care that you are not hearing what you want to hear.

Listen patiently and avoid getting emotional. Concentrate on what your teen is saying; do not let how he is saying it affect what you hear. Your goal is to remain objective during your discussions.

Avoid cutting your teenager off while she is speaking; let her complete her thought. Show her that you want to hear her point of view. She probably grew up hearing the instruction “don’t interrupt.” This is what she is expecting from you now.

Practice makes perfect when developing any skill and listening is a skill that takes practice. So tell your teen now you would like to practice your listening skills. Make a game out of it. Tell your teenager that she is important and that is why you want to be sure that the two you know how to communicate.

Ask your teenager what would be a good practice conversation. Maybe, have her tell you about her day while you demonstrate your listening skills. Then let your teen grade you and give you an idea of how to listen better. Come up with a reward, like a trip to McDonald’s or a new finger nail polish color. Again, make it a game. Doing this on a regular basis will not only improve your overall listening skills, but will also encourage your teenager to talk to you.

“Daddy, you have to listen with your eyes as well as your ears.” That statement says almost all there is to say about listening. Being a good listener means focusing attention on the messenger as well as the message.

The good acquire a taste for helpful conversation. Proverbs 13:2