Listen

It is National News … men have a short attention span.  The Today Program announced that researchers found men only listen to their wives for about six minutes.  As opposed to a conversation with their wives, the men surveyed did say they spent more than twice the time or at least 15 minutes talking with their friends.  The study even found more than half of men describe themselves as bad listeners.  Let’s hope the Government did not spend tax dollars to find out what most women could have told the researchers.

Good listening skills, commonly, are held to be the key to a successful relationship.  Developing good listening skills can be a challenge.  The “to-do’s” of good listening skills include active listening, I messages, and open-ended questions.  A course on listening skills would point out the need to stop talking when someone speaks, to use our body language effectively, and to work to understand the meaning of what is said as well as to hear the actual words spoken.

Okay, so the above are some positive ideas about what to do in developing good listening skills.  Now let us look at some, shall we say, not to do’s when trying to build good listening skills.  Or, to put it another way, here are ways to mess up communications and ways to very likely mess up a relationship.

First, try to multitask when someone else is speaking; continue to scan the newspaper or watch the re-runs of Sports Center.  Muttering an occasional ‘uh-huh’ to make your partner think you are listening when really your mind is a million miles way.  Yup, a distracted mind is a great way to miss important information.

Second, in addition to multitasking, is having inferior nonverbal skills.  Don’t look like you are paying attention, or give positive feedback; slouch, look away, and have glazed-over eyes.  Acting like a post will make your wife think there is no affirmation of what she is saying.

Third, think about how to respond to the other person before they have finished talking.  Start rehearsing in your mind your response at the beginning of the conversation.  Of course, you do risk missing most of the person’s message.

Fourth, find a rabbit trail to go down.  If she is talking about what to get the kids for Christmas, talk about getting ready for hunting.  Change the subject as quickly as possible.  For example, if she is talking about a problem with the kids’ schooling, respond with, “That reminds me, Pete is coming to watch the game Sunday.”  Rabbit trails are a great way to miss out on the reason for the conversation.

Fifth, hurry her along; remind her that you just want the facts, not an epistle.  Do not show any empathy.  As she talks, get restless, say uh-huh or look at your watch, look around, or fidget.  Of course, she may stop trying to communicate with you because she knows you will have no patience to listen.  This is a great way to encourage her to stop talking.

The next time your wife is trying to talk with you, see if you catch yourself using any of the above not to-do’s.  Yes, these bad listening skills can be hard to change but practice will pay off.  Good listening skills can help both in your marriage relationship as well as in other situations such as work. Perseverance and practice will pay off.  There are many websites and books that explain good listening skills.  Get the information you need and give the issue your time and attention. Work with a therapist or attend a communication skills workshop to get some support.  It is worth putting the effort in to build your listening skills.

Next week, Dennis suggested that the article be about women’s memory … as he put it, “the hundred year memory.”

He, who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame.  Proverbs 18:13

Cheryl Gowin, and Dennis Gowin, Hope for Tomorrow Counseling Center.  Contact us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.