Lifelong Connections

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.  Aristotle  

Do you agree with Aristotle?  Aristotle is voicing the same sentiment as the Bible, where we are told that the two shall become as one.  But what does that mean?

When helping people build better marriages, we say you must be present in your relationship with your emotions engaged.  This is not as easy as it sounds.  Being present means you are willing to be vulnerable as well as responsive.   You have to be ready to reach out to your spouse without knowing if he or she will respond. When you exchanged your marriage vows, you made a lifetime commitment.  But now life may have gotten in the way of this promise.  Work, aging parents, financial obligations, kids, parenting, and now, homeschooling, all the pressures of life can create small fissions that gradually cause you to drift apart. 

So how do you know if your marriage is just going through what are normal ups and downs versus a genuine issue of being emotionally unavailable?   What does it mean to be emotionally available?  Emotional availability is described as the ability to sustain emotional bonds in relationships.  The Urban Dictionary defines emotionally unavailable as a partner who creates barriers to intimacy that can make you feel unloved or unwanted.  In a marriage, this dynamic will become increasingly unhealthy as one spouse presses for closeness, and the other spouse withdraws.

A couple struggling with an emotional connection may find one spouse asking for date nights or together time while being met with a tepid response.  A spouse works all week and then wants to spend the weekend in an alone activity.  Another example of a lack of emotional connection is if all recreational activities include the spouse and his or her friends.  I am out with the boys.  Or, the girls and I are just going shopping.

In a marriage with strong emotional connections, there is a give and take between the spouses.  Time is spent sharing each other’s experiences and personal viewpoint. A husband and wife check in with each other throughout the day. They enjoy spending time together and are open to discussions.

Marriage isn’t the only relationship built on emotional bonding.  Harry Harlow studied the importance of mother-infant bonding.  His study of infant monkeys found that without an emotional bond, the infants would not survive.  Other studies have shown the need for parental bonding and its effects on a child’s growth and development.  

An emotionally unavailable person has many actions that he or she might consciously or subconsciously take to avoid opening up, spending time, or being vulnerable with a loved one.  Psychology Today provided a list of these actions: using flattery in place of openness, creating an inflexible rigid routine, hiding behind a shield of inability, resorting to anger as a means of deflecting a request for closeness, or using humor as a means to evade openness.

So what can you do if you see your relationship as lacking emotional connection?

First, in a quiet moment, think about when the lack of emotional connection started.  When you were dating, would you have described your spouse as unavailable?  Can you describe your relationship as drifting apart?  Has this been gradual, or was it triggered by a definable event?   Grief, depression, health problems, work struggles can all be the cause of temporary change in a relationship.

There are some tactics you can take to help grow your emotional connection.  First, focus on yourself.  You can’t change your spouse, but you can show a healthy emotional connection yourself.  That does not mean being needy or demanding.  Be willing to talk about your emotions but also be ready to take a step back.  Look for ways to respond that won’t increase either your or your spouse’s stress or frustration.

Changing the drift in a marriage is not easy.  You may need help.  Ask your pastor to recommend a Christian counselor.  Also, don’t forget to pray for your spouse.   There is power in prayer!

If you abide in me and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.  John 15:7 

 Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions; our phone number is 434-808-2637.