Jonnie B. Slick and Issatacrock in Stump County

We’ve got a case going on down at the Old Courthouse. I call it the old Courthouse since a couple of judges have exceeded their moral and maybe their legal authority and are trying to force Stump County to build a new courthouse.

Even though our constitution clearly states we cannot be taxed without representation, the judges think they can force us to spend the money to build which will force the Bored Supervisors to raise taxes to pay for it and it is somehow legal.

They may be able to do it but it just ain’t right.

Any who, we’ve got this big case going on.  This traveling snake oil salesman named Jonnie B. Slick has been promoting his “magic” cures in Stump County.  Well, folks in Stump County may be ignant but we ain’t stupid.  Folks have been travelin’ through Stump County for years tryin’ to sell us stuff to cure whatever ails us.

Usually folks in Stump County follow that old Latin term  “Caveat Emptor” which means something like “watch yo own butt.”  But this Jonnie B. Slick just took it too far. He gave presents and loaned money to everybody he could find in Stump County who had any power or influence while he was claiming his new product Issatacrock would cure everything from piles to pimples.

When the law finally got involved old Jonnie B.  (not to be confused with Johnny B. Good) realized he had been caught being bad and tried to cover it up. Then when Judge Judge (remember his mama wanted a judge in the family and named him Judge) started asking questions he decided to testify against all of his old friends.

Judge Judge gave him immunity from prostitution and prosecution.  I’m agonna tell ya boy, Old Jonnie B. Slick started singing like he thought he was Chuck Berry.

Jonnie B. changed his story so fast half of Stump County has whiplash.

Any dern fool could see that if the big shots were guilty of takin’ bribes Old Jonny B. was guilty of giving them but that didn’t matter. Convictin’ a big shot is a big deal and apparently some folks think it is fine to let one crook go if he helps you catch another crook.

Folks in Stump County might agree with that if we knew which crook was the bigger crook.

What we’re seeing reminds us of the time Cletus was training a couple of coonhound pups. They kept running off so Cletus took his belt which was about five feet of rope and tied one pup to each end. Cletus was holding the rope in the middle when he stepped in a stump hole. Cletus yelled and those pups took off like they’d been scalded, which is possible considering Cletus’ vocabulary.

What happened next is the important part. Just as they were crossin’ the railroad tracks a train came around the bend. One pup ran south and one ran north. Iffen they’d a stuck together they’d abeen fine but both those pups dug in and each kept tryin’ to save itself and both of them got squashed.

Old Jonnie B. Slick’s just makin’ sure he ain’t the one that gets squashed and he’s got the prosecution helpin’ him pull. That just don’t seem right to us.

Watch right here next week in the Stump County News for the testimony from the trial.