I’ve Had Just About Enough

Yup, I bet all parents have said this and probably when they think they are about to lose their sanity.  Setting limits with our children is important.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our kids just accepted the limits?  Regrettably, setting limits can be a struggle, especially because our kids have their own personality and each responds differently.  DOER is a documented parenting technique for setting healthy limits.  The four-step system is:  Discuss the Problem, Outline the Limit You Want, Explain the Limit and Redirect Actions.

Discuss the Problem that is creating the need for limits.  Understanding your child’s motivation is key; ask your child why they did what they were not supposed to do.  Keep in mind your child has developmental needs which include the need for security, attention, exploration, mastery and the need to feel independent.

Yes, as Janie develops in these areas, she can tweak your last nerve.  So remember your goal is to set healthy limits that still allow Janie to grow into a well-adjusted adult.  Meeting your child’s need for security allows your children to grow up to be confident, independent adults.  Social beings have a need for attention; kids need to learn acceptable attention strategies.  Learning how to explore enables us to deal with life’s changes.  Helping your child master areas provides them with confidence in adulthood.

Understanding these developmental needs allows us to understand the intent behind a behavior.  Separating the intention behind a behavior from the behavior itself is critical to effective limit setting.  Your goal should be set a limit on undesirable behavior while allowing Johnnie to continue to develop the skills he needs.

The next step is to outline the limit.  We put limits in place to train our kids and to keep them safe and, yes, some limits are for our own sanity.  As an example, you set a limit of no TV until homework is completed.  One reason is to insure that homework is completed.  Secondly, you need that one hour of quiet when you get home.  Considering the limits of your energy and patience as well as your child’s need for safety and training is mandatory in setting limits.  Understanding ourselves helps us to set the limits we need our children to respect before we come to the end of our rope.

Explain the limits to your child.  Be honest, it is easier for you to accept limits if you understand the why; your kids are the same.  Explaining the limits to your kids helps them learn the how and why of setting limits.  Hopefully, they will learn to use the same logic when faced with situations later in life.  This doesn’t mean taking a vote.  You want your children to understand the limits and the reasons you put them in place without allowing them to renegotiate the rules.

Yes, your child may cry; that’s okay.  Janie may feel disappointed and express her disappointment through tears.  Here is a chance to help your kids learn how to deal with their feelings.  Crying and pouting are not a reason to change the limits.  You want to allow your child, within boundaries, to express their emotions while not granting your child wish to relax the limits.

Redirecting.  Redirecting is guiding your child to act in an alternate way.  How can they feel safe, appropriately ask for attention, explore things safely, master a skill?  You don’t want your daughter playing with your purse but you can give her a purse that is hers.  You don’t want your son throwing a ball in the house but you can direct him to play catch outdoors.  You may not want the kids to watch TV right after school but you can let them watch TV while you are cooking dinner.

Again, this is only one of many techniques.  Practicing this technique will help you learn how to set effective limits with your children.  A good parenting motto:  Train your child on your limits with patience, without anger.

Fathers, don’t stir up anger in your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.  Ephesian 6:4

Cheryl Gowin, and Dennis Gowin, Hope for Tomorrow Counseling Center.  Contact us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.