It Is More Than A Senior Moment

Dr. Alice Howland is a wife, mother of three, noted professor of linguistics at Columbia University, and diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease.  Still Alice depicts Alice’s fight against the disease, which includes creating tests for herself and a video with instructions on how to commit suicide to be used when the effects of the disease are too great.  The story shows the progression of this disease, the strain it creates on Alice and on her family.  Yes, this is fiction but it paints a heartbreaking picture of the struggle created by dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.

Are you watching your own mother or father decline into dementia?  Is she forgetting more and more every day?  Is he beginning to accuse people of trying to hurt him or steal from him?  Are you struggling with how to deal with her fear?

You want to honor and respect your parents, although this becomes harder and harder as they regress into childhood.  Your once strong Dad just quit showering.  He has actually forgotten how to shower, how to turn on the water, what the soap is for, and where the towels hang.  His anger is how he deals with the frustration of not remembering.

Your mother watched you grow up.  She was the one who set the rules of management of the house.  Now she is losing control.  She no longer sets the rules.  Moreover, she may not even be able to cook her favorite dish.  Losing her place as the parent is very frightening for her.

So what do you do?

First, you must decide if you are the right person to be the primary caregiver.  Can you help your father by creating a safe moment for him even when his frustration is shown in anger?  Can you find a way to let your Mom still have a feeling of power?  Can you help your parents create moments of joy when the limitations of age are beginning to close in on them?  You must take a clear look at your abilities and limitations.

Second, take the time to let any remaining childhood wounds heal.  You are facing new demands, which has a way of bringing to the surface unresolved pain.  Will the hurts of the past cause you to resent helping your parent?  Can you set boundaries with your parents without feeling guilty?  Can you maintain your identity and not feel it is necessary to play the role you think is required.  You need to decide if it is possible for you to interact with your parent on this level.

Third, ensure that you and your siblings have set the guidelines for the future.  This means everyone clearly understands the progression of the disease.  There will be a point at which your loved one will need 24-hour-a-day care.  Setting the plans now will help to avoid great family turmoil in the future.

Fourth, know how you will continue to care for your own family and yourself.  Your family responsibilities have not gone away.  You need to be able to rest and recharge your batteries.  That may mean finding a way to have an outing with friends, without feeling guilty about it.  Or, asking your siblings to fill in as caregivers for a weekend.

It is easy to say that we need to be patient and loving when faced with the difficult situation of an aging parent, but actually doing so can be very difficult.  Your aged-diminished loved ones are hungry for life but they live with broken bodies and minds.  Your role as a loving child is to find the best way to build loving moments as your parents face the end of their time here on earth.  Be kind to yourself and seek the help you may need to work through building the best solution for your parents, your family, and yourself.

“Honor your father and your mother so that you may have a long life in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.”  Exodus 20:12

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin, Hope for Tomorrow Counseling Center.  Contact us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.