Is the score all that matters?

It’s the World Cup. The Americans are the underdogs; they have fought and been ahead of Portugal for most of the game.  The world is watching and now with only seconds left in the game, Portugal kicks in the tying score.  A universal groan from the Americans is heard round the world. If this was your child’s game, what would you say? Winning isn’t everything? Try again next time?

We put a great deal of emphasis on achievement and winning from spelling bees to Super Bowls.  Are you ready to help your child handle and grow from the competition and disappointment involved in sports? Or in life for that matter?

It would be interesting to talk with Thomas Edison’s parents about how they taught him to have such great self-confidence.  Two famous quotes of Edison’s on failure are, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work” and “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”  Edison, kicked out of public school for being slow, was taught by his mother.  He said of her, “She was so sure of me; I felt I had something to live for, someone I must not disappoint.”  She, obviously, found a way in teachable moments with her son to build a strong sense of confidence and self-esteem.

So how do we, as parents, build this self-esteem? Psychologist Abraham Maslow’s research found that for children to grow up with confidence and self-esteem, their needs for love, acceptance and a sense of belonging must be met in childhood.  Positive competition can help meet these needs.

Positive competition is children competing to discover their strengths and inner talents, such as determination, patience and power. Being part of a sports team, children learn to get along with and gain acceptance from their team and coaches. Kids also learn to take turns with their teammates, share playing time and respect the rules. They gain an understanding that rules are important for everyone, and that without rules, boundaries and referees, games become unfair. These social and problem solving skills are the positive side of competition.

Competition can also have a negative side. Negative competition occurs when a child views the competition as defining his or her self-worth. This happens, especially, when the child views the only acceptable result is to “play to win.” Your young athlete will need even more support and acceptance as he or she feels more pressure to win.

Having your child in sports provides you with many teachable moments for building confidence and self-esteem.  The challenge is to be a supportive teacher with the right lesson plan.

Give Respect. Give your child your time and understanding with the goal of helping your child feel reassured. Be responsive to your child emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. Take time to listen, understand and relate to what he or she is feeling, not just to what he or she is thinking. You need to be emotionally present when your child loses. Let your child express his or her feelings including anger, sadness, frustration or embarrassment. Help them understand how to express their feelings appropriately in a safe and constructive way. At times, simply showing a willingness to listen without offering any advice can be the best way to show parental respect.

Show Caring and Commitment. Learn where your child is vulnerable; identify his/her strengths and emotional needs. You will need a significant amount of patience but your acceptance will help your child feel validated. Show your child you are committed to understanding his or her needs. This commitment will help your child feel secure, even in failure. Show that you care by your actions, communications and thoughts. Demonstrate that you care in such a way that your child knows it.

Teach humility. Teach your child that a person can always be more, learn and grow more, but don’t judge his or her flaws. Take pride in your child’s efforts.

Isaiah 40: 30, 31 “Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”