Inside Averett’s Head, Cautious Family, and Ray Stevens?

As everyone knows there are some places you just shouldn’t go. Last week I heard some of my friends and family discussing one of them. “You don’t want to go there,” said one. “There are strange things happening up there,” said another. “You never know what’s going to come out,” said the third.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

Well, that sounds like just the sort of place I’d like to visit but I didn’t ask because I was busy writing a rebuttal to Ray Steven’s “Along Came Jones.” Keep in mind that I raised my brats on Ray Stevens. His songs have the same cadence as nursery rhymes and are perfect for warping young minds. Now that I am working on warping another generation I realized Salty Sam (the villain) didn’t get a fair shake from Jones.

In a random effort to be politically correct I decided to fix that on behalf of whichever Jones abused him. You know the politically correct thing to do is apologize to everybody who was ever abused even if you didn’t do it. One day I intend to work up an all-purpose all-inclusive apology so we can get all of that random apologizing out of the way and start getting along.

Right now I need to know if the Redskins change their name to something politically correct will it still be incorrect to buy tickets for their games from a scalper. This is important. Thousands of scalpers could be unemployed and the economic damage will affect everyone.

In any case, I finally discovered what the friends and family were discussing. It seems that the scary place with the strange things going on they thought should be avoided was inside my head. While I can’t disagree or argue I think that was a little rude and politically incorrect.  Now I have to demand an apology.

When I gave them the following they said I’d just proved they were right.

Along Came Salty Sam

 I plopped down in my easy chair, I’m feeling mighty blue

I’m a bad gunslinger named Salty Sam, Who chases poor Sweet Sue.

I’ve got a master’s degree in villainy- and a minor in tying knots

I’ve taken a class in evil laughs and some things that I forgot

You’ve heard it said that Jones came along in that Ray Stevens fellow’s song

I don’t like it one bit but how can I say- that the singer Ray Stevens was wrong

Everyone loved that long tall Jones but nobody cared about me

Cause everyone loves the hero and I’m just a villain you see. 

 But a villain’s job is to steal the ranch-that’s what we villains do

All I was doing was- doing my job by stealing from Poor Sweet Sue

But every time I was getting close along came a man named Jones

And he foiled my plans and he let her go – all I could do was groan. 

I hate that Jones, slow talking Jones, slow walking Jones, 

I hate long lean lanky Jones

I trapped her in the old saw mill and gave my evil laugh

And said “If you don’t give me the deed to your ranch, I’ll saw you all in half.

I tied her up and tied her down- the saw was near her head

She would have signed the deed to the ranch but Jones showed up instead

I hate that Jones, slow talking Jones, slow walking Jones, 

I hate long lean lanky Jones

It was down in the old abandoned mine Jones set her free again

I’d done my best, in a villainous way but I never seem to win

 I stuffed her in a burlap sack, upon the railroad tracks

But before she signed the deed to the ranch Jones gave me such a whack.

I hate that Jones, slow talking Jones, slow walking Jones, 

I hate long lean lanky Jones

Now there are no jobs for heroes and for villains there are few

And a hero without a villain has nothing at all to do

So I found a way to get that Jones- he’s feeling awful blue

I just gave up my job as a villain-I tell you its all true

And Jones is an unemployed hero with nothing at all to do

So I got me a job in the Senate. They call me a senator. 

It’s the perfect job for a villain, couldn’t ask for anything more

The evil things I get to do- more than evens the score

But I’m still the same old villain- what villain could ask for more.

Now I tie the voters in legal knots, til they think they’ve been hit by a train

I cut their savings “ALL IN HALF”  til they’re crying in the rain 

We passed affordable health care to blow their lives to bits 

And we voted ourselves some raises and gave them terrible fits

But the best part is I got that Jones in a thoroughly villainous way

For a hero without a villain simply has nothing to say

He’s unemployed and out of work with nothing at all to do

If it wasn’t for the food stamp line-Jones would be hungry too

I got that Jones, slow talking Jones, slow walking Jones, 

I got long lean lanky Jones

Now they ask me to speak at commencement and give me advanced degrees

They call me a villain’s villain and I vote on important decrees

But none of that’s important- I’m happy as I can be

Cause I’ve brought that long tall lanky Jones down to his slow walking knees

I got that Jones, slow talking Jones, slow walking Jones, 

I got long lean lanky Jones.