Illegal Immigrants

As you know Stump County, Virginia is an imaginary county filled with imaginary people. We are still trying to find our way into the 20th century while the rest of you are in the 21st. Our only information on your world is newspapers and radio. Our only way to contact you is through this computer. The Editor of The Southside Messenger smuggled it to us. We think he can cross the Stump County line because his version of reality is sort of odd but don’t tell him we said so. We like the folks at the Messenger because they are the only newspaper that will let us be involved with you.

The Stump County Chronicles are a satire about an imaginary county located in rural Virginia. Stump County, population 999, is filled with imaginary people who are struggling with real life problems as they attempt to move into the 20 century. The writer, Half Whitt, is imaginary. He works for the imaginary newspaper, The Sneezeville Sentinel.
Trying to contact Half Whitt? Send letters to editor@southsidemessenger.com, or mail to The Southside Messenger, P.O. Box 849, Keysville, VA 23947 and we’ll pass it along!

We just read some articles quoting farmers in the real world as saying, “If we can’t get illegal aliens to work for us then we can’t harvest our crops.” There is a problem with that. If only illegal aliens (they tell me I am supposed to call them undocumented immigrants) will pick crops then as soon as somebody helps them get legal then they won’t pick crops anymore and we’ll need a new crop of illegal aliens to pick crops.

Here in Stump County we have Manual La’bor. Manual took a wrong turn somewhere and crossed the border to Stump County instead of Arizona like he planned. Manual is good people. He’s been illegal in six or seven countries.

Manual is a good example of why all illegal aliens should be granted amnesty. He works hard and all he wants is a better life and the only law he broke was getting here. Well, getting here, driving, not paying taxes and a few more but they don’t count. He’s like Ludd. The only law Ludd breaks is making likker to support his family. There’s the hippie guy who lives in the woods and grows something called pot to support his family and there’s the guy who just blew up his house was making something called Meth to support his family. If we are going to let everybody with just one crime off the hook if they are doing it to support their families I need to do some thinking.

Manual started out sneaking into Panama to upgrade his standard of living. Within a few years he decided the next country to the north had a higher standard of poverty so he made another sneak. Every few years he snuck into another country north. Several of them shoot illegal immigrants so he didn’t stay there long.

He says every country guards its southern border to keep out cheap labor but encourages folks to sneak north. Manual says the border to the U S of A is the easiest one to cross and that America’s standard of poverty is the envy of the world. He predicts that within 20 years there won’t be anyone living between the Rio Grande and Panama except drug dealers. Everyone else will be in America.

Manual says Americans are soft and won’t work. There is about 10 percent of the American labor force out of work and there are about the same number of legal and illegal immigrants working in America. The only people counted as unemployed are the ones who are looking for work or in some cases pretending to look for work. Then there is a bunch who have learned how to live off the Gov’mit and won’t work.

The real problem he says is Americans have lost the motivators. Hunger is the number one motivator everywhere and with every species. Then there is shelter and safety and reproduction and once you get the basic needs met there is greed.

Manual has been thwarted, exported, supported, transported, contorted, distorted and deported and he is always back in time for supper.