I’ll Be Home For Christmas … Dream or Nightmare?

Are you a college student?  You may be thinking, halleluiah, it is December, no more classes, exams or projects.  Finally, it’s the end of a long semester of studying, cramming, losing sleep, and meeting deadlines.  You are now ready to rest your brain, spend more time with friends, and catch up on sleep.  Is the dorm closing and are you heading home for a long return to your parent’s home?

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us at our counseling practice with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.

Are you a parent of a college student?  Your son or daughter has been away for what may seem like only a few days.  Since he /she left for college, have you redesigned the functioning of the family due to one less person in the house?  Now he or she is coming back for weeks.

Christmas break can bring increased anxiety for both parents and for the returning college age kids.  College students are moving back, to a family that may have more rules than he/she has grown accustomed to in dorm life.  Yes, it is great to be back home to family and friends enjoying Mom’s home cooked meals.  However, the change back to family rules can be stressful.  Moreover as parents, it can be stressful to have to refit your family rhythm to include another person.

Here are a few suggestions for setting expectations and boundaries that will help both of you survive and maybe even enjoy home for the holidays.

College Students – Remember the Rules.  Take the time you spend getting home to map out your time at home.  Mentally preparing yourself for what the next few weeks might look like can help you to avoid being caught off guard.  When is Mom expecting you to be with her?  Will Dad expect you to help your Grandparents?  What rules of the house will your parent’s expect you to follow?  Remember it is still their house.

Parents – Remember the Challenges.  In other words, there are areas that you know will cause problems.  What were the areas of challenges when your son or daughter was at home?  Some of areas of challenges could include curfews, friends visiting, household responsibilities, cell phones and holiday family time.  Be ready to discuss these areas to set the proper expectations.  Remember your son or daughter is now used to being on their own.  Be respectful of your student’s expectations for the holiday, but let them know yours.

Young Adults – Establish Boundaries with Your Family.  You have plans for your holiday, now be sure your family knows your plans.  Healthy boundaries mean you can say “no” to various activities.  Don’t forget to set a time for yourself to just chill and recharge.  Boundaries might also include politely leaving uncomfortable conversations, avoiding being alone with contentious family members, and saying “no” when someone asks too much of you.  Don’t forget you are living in someone else’s house and they will set boundaries too.

Parents – Establish Boundaries with Your Kids.  First, don’t forget, your college students see himself or herself as an adult.  You should accept who they are now rather than trying to make them fit the mold of who you think they should be or have been in the past.  College is a time when students are trying new things.  Some of these are visual, such as hairstyles, but others are ideas that may be different from your own.  Treat them as adults.  Be respectful of their ideas and opinions.  Listen to what they have to say.  Even if you disagree, remember that is the result of educating them to think for themselves.

The key is communication.  These ideas are only possible if everyone clearly communicating plans, and expectations.  Problems generally arise when it is assumed that others know your plans or that you don’t like talking about your girlfriend at Christmas dinner… tell them.

Yes, your son or daughter is home again.  However, your role as parent is changing from parent of a teenager to parent of young adult.  This is a great opportunity to spend quality time together.  Here is your chance to revisit old family traditions such as hunting or baking cookies.  As well as building new traditions with your young adult offspring.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.  Show hospitality to one another without grumbling.  As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace.  1 Peter 4:8-10

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us at our counseling practice with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.