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How to Fix a Sinkhole

   Written by on August 16, 2018 at 1:52 pm
Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us at our counseling practice with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us at our counseling practice with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.

Did you know that sinkholes occur in all 50 states?  A sinkhole develops deep down under the foundation of a home long before it is noticeable on the surface.  Suddenly and dramatically, a visible sinkhole can pull a home apart.  In the same way, when adultery is exposed, what looks like a marriage with a strong foundation can crumble.

Did you know that adultery is the most common reason given for filing for a divorce?  When asked how they would handle the situation if their spouse “cheated on them,” 45% of the adults said they would file for divorce, 45% said they would ignore it and 10% said they did not know how they would handle the situation.

If the sinkhole of adultery strikes your marriage, how would you react?  Are your only two options to ignore it or file for a divorce?

Counselors report that a marriage can come through stronger and healthier than it was before an affair if together a couple does the hard work.  There is not a quick or easy fix.  It takes work and help.  Think of it this way.  It would be foolish to rebuild a house without addressing why the sinkhole was there and how to prevent it from happening in the future.  The house would be vulnerable to the same problem happening all over again.  The same is true with a marriage relationship; you need to address the why’s.

Although every couple is unique, a rebuilding plan generally consists of several steps.

The first step in rebuilding the marriage is to find help.  If you face pulling your marriage from the edge of the sinkhole of adultery, please find a counselor who is committed to helping you rebuild your marriage.  Although rebuilding the marriage is a joint effort, your counselor may feel it appropriate to work through parts of these steps individually.  Follow his/her advice.

The next step is for you and your counselor to build a picture of your relationship history.  It will be important to discuss your family, how your parents and other members of family acted in their marriage and toward you.  You need to be open and honest about your feelings over the timeline of your marriage.  Your counselor needs to have a strong understanding of how you and your spouse interact, how you handle disagreements and how you problem solve.

The core step to rebuilding your marriage is forgiveness.  Forgiveness starts with understanding the actions that need forgiving and then building forgiveness skills.

Generally, you face two levels of actions that involve forgiving.  Level one occurs in all marriages but may have “been swept under the rug” in your marriage.  Although common to all marriages ignoring these problems allows the resulting injuries to erode the foundation of any marriage.  These injuries are created by: actions and words that should not have happened; actions and words that should have but did not happen; outside actions that add stress to the marriage such as job loss, in-law problems, or financial problems that were not addressed.  The second level is the actual sinkhole actions: these actions include mistruths said, money spent, other relationships involved.

Forgiveness will involve working with your counselor to build the skills needed to forgive.

In addition to the core skill of forgiveness, other skills are foundational to any effective relationship rebuilding.  The top two that you need to address is communication and conflict management skills.  These skills, incorporated with forgiveness skills, allow you to face the issues, come to a resolution, and move forward.

The last step of the rebuilding process is to reattach and rebuild your emotional connections.  That is, to work with your counselor to restore the respect and trust in your marriage.

Does this sound like hard work?  You and your spouse face the decision if saving your marriage is worth the effort.  Yes or no, these skills are needed in every marriage.  So, why not try to save your current marriage?

And, whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.  Mark 11:25

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Call us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions; our phone number is 434-808-2637.

About Cheryl & Dennis Gowin

Cheryl Gowin, Counselor and Dennis Gowin, Director of Discovery Counseling Center. Contact us with your feedback, comments, issues or questions at 434-808-2426 or dgowin@discoverycounseling.org.

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