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How can I trust you after …..

   Written by on February 12, 2015 at 1:27 pm

You lost all our money gambling, you ran up thousands of dollars in credit card debt, you sold my mother’s jewelry, you were addicted to porn, you quit your job without asking me, you had an affair ….

logo - gowinYes, these are examples of painful happenings that can occur in a marriage.  You probably have a list of your own painful events you can add to the discussion.  You have forgiven your spouse; but now how do you, as a couple, restore the trust needed in a healthy marriage?

 Building trust is always a process; restoring trust is even harder process.  A relationship without trust overtime builds walls of suspicion.  These walls stop the progression of the two of you growing together as one.  The walls need to come down for your marriage to grow.  I love to watch the remodeling shows on TV where the couple takes a sled hammer and pulls down all the unwanted walls.  Then, in about ½ hour, magic transforms the house into brand new living space.  Regrettably, the walls of mistrust aren’t torn down that easily.  Correspondingly, 1/2 hour is not enough time to rebuild trust.

The process of rebuilding trust in a marriage begins with forgiveness.  Your first step in the trust rebuilding process is to understand the meaning of forgiveness and the meaning of trust.

“The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”   Mahatma Gandhi

“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” C.S. Lewis

Do you think forgiveness includes:  excusing or minimizing the offense, forgetting all about past mistreatments and mistakes, finding a way to justify the actions, or immediately being able to trust again?

Well, let’s look at what the Bible tells us about forgiveness.  Forgiveness does not mean looking the other way or sweeping our feelings under the rug.  Forgiveness does mean we stop looking for revenge and we do not let anger fill us with spite.  Forgiveness does not mean we become the martyr suffering in silence or giving our spouse the silent treatment.  Forgiving others, especially your spouse, is not an easy task and does not come naturally.  You must start by making a commitment to work through the issues together.  Remember, rebuilding the trust and your marriage relationship is your goal.  In the story of the Prodigal Son, the father showed forgiveness when his son returned; his actions included looking at the good and looking past the pain his son had caused.

Is forgiveness a choice?  In a way yes, but the Bible does tells us which choice to make: “For if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”  Matthew 6:15.

“Trust is earned, respect is given, and loyalty is demonstrated.  Betrayal of any one of those is to lose all three.”    Ziad K. Abdelnour

Yes, you have said you are sorry and asked for forgiveness and your spouse has forgiven you.  However, that is just the beginning.  Trust is one of those things that when broken it takes time to repair and rebuild.  When actions hurt someone, it takes time for that wound to heal.  Rebuilding trust takes visible actions and change.  Here are some steps that should exist in the rebuilding trust process.

Take personal responsibility; don’t shift the blame.

Work together,  agree on a plan with tangible evidence of change and defined ways  to avoid new wrongdoings.

Make a commitment to each other to get help if needed.

Don’t make unrealistic demands on your spouse as to the time it will take him/her to heal.

Don’t make unrealistic demands on your spouse as part of rebuilding your trust.

Forgiving includes actively rebuilding the relationship, brick by brick, with the purpose of restoring the foundation of solid trust.

So “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another just as God in Christ has forgiven you.”  Ephesians 4:32.

Cheryl Gowin, and Dennis Gowin, Hope for Tomorrow Counseling Center.  Contact us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.

About Cheryl & Dennis Gowin

Cheryl Gowin, Counselor and Dennis Gowin, Director of Discovery Counseling Center. Contact us with your feedback, comments, issues or questions at 434-808-2426 or dgowin@discoverycounseling.org.

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