Fur-Lined Handcuffs, Paisley Suspenders, and Opposites Attract

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

When a woman says something like “over my dead body” (the body referred to will be his not hers), a wise man should pay attention.  When she precedes the “over etc.” with several versions of NO, each with descriptive adjectives, even a stupid man should pay attention

This particular phrase has never been uttered in our home until last week.  Although I still don’t know what brought about the intense emotions, I absolutely, completely and totally abandoned my plan.

As background information, you should understand that I happen to be the possessor of a medical condition known as Gluteus Minimus.  In other terms, I have a derriere deficit, a receding rump, a truant tush; to be blunt, I have an absolute appalling absence of, well, never mind, you understand my situation.

In addition to this condition, I have also been on a diet.  This is my first attempt at a real diet although I have survived a number of them as done by other people.  I learned many years ago that some women spend a lot of time trying to enlarge some of their features, (such as eyes and other parts) while simultaneously dieting to reduce the size of other features, such as hips and thighs.

My observation many years ago was that the result of a diet was almost always a diminishing of the feature most desired to increase, while the feature desired to decrease was always the last to go. I am not responsible for this phenomenon; I am merely an interested observer.

So, I went on a diet and further documented this observation.  I intended to lose that protruding paunch and instead lost what little butt I had.  Now being totally butt-less I am in constant danger of having my pants fall off.

It was starting to make me feel like a teenager. You know the ones.  I can see me now, trying to look cool with one hand holding my pants at thigh level with nothing but a tee shirt covering my behind.

So I went home and told Management I was going to buy a set of paisley suspenders.  This is when the “dead body” thing happened. I don’t think it was the money; suspenders sell in the thrift store for a dollar or two. Apparently somewhere, sometime she had a bad experience with suspenders.

Although I was suspended from school several times, I didn’t know she ever was.

In any case, I did not buy the suspenders; instead I punched several new holes in my belt and cinched it down like a girdle.  Now I look like a tube of toothpaste some child squeezed in the middle, but I am wisely not wearing suspenders.

Then last week I was in a local business when someone brought up the subject of handcuffs.  I made the random comment that I hate handcuffs unless they are fur-lined. Several ladies seemed unusually interested in this statement.

This indicates to me several possibilities.  One, they already have fur-lined handcuffs or they wish they had fur-lined handcuffs or they want to borrow fur-lined handcuffs. I’ll look around and see if I can find a pair in my inventory of random stuff they can borrow

I read an article last week that said opposites should never marry each other.  I have to disagree with this one.  Although Management and I are opposites in most ways, we agree on the important issues.  True, we usually disagree on the method of achieving the important issues and we always disagree on the time frame but our goals are the same.

I see it this way.  If I were divided down the middle there would be two exactly opposite halves of me, excluding scars and so on.   Neither half would be as useful as the combination of the two.

This is what happens with a happily married pair of opposites, assuming of course they are going in the same direction. The combination of the two is greater than the sum of the parts.

For instance, Management seldom takes chances while, according to rumor, I always do.  Thus, the combination of us takes reasonable chances.

Therefore, the two individuals that make up “US” are happier and more content as “US” than separately.