Friendship in the Age of Social Media

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us at our counseling practice with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.

If you asked your kids how many friends they have, would they need to look at Facebook?  How would they define a friend?  The Dictionary.com definition is: a friend is a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard, who gives assistance, is on good terms with another, is not hostile, a person we know and with whom we have a bond of mutual affection.  In reviewing the various definitions of a friend, amazingly none mention anything about Facebook.  But today, many kids view a friend as a connection on Facebook.

As your kids go back to school, consider making their first lesson to learn what a friend is and how to build friendships.

Why?

There is power in real friendship, to change, to enrich our lives, and to teach us about community.  A true friend can help us through the struggles we all will face in life.  Friends also help us build strong personal attributes.  Friends show acceptance.  Mutual friends celebrate success together without jealousy.  Friends build relationship skills, including how to connect.  Friends provide us with a real-life means to understand it is not always about ourselves; true friendship is a two-way street.  Ecclesiastes is a great place to read about the benefits of friends: “If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.  But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”

How?

Social Media has changed the definition of friends to friends are just people who have agreed to allow the passing of electronic information.  Tony Cartledge, professor at Campbell University, looked at the friendship between David and Jonathan in 1 Samuel and outlined five “Cs” that are necessary for building a fruitful friendship. The five “Cs” are chemistry, commitment, cultivation, cooperation, and communication.

Chemistry is generally defined as when we “click” with someone else.  Chemistry can be based on shared experiences or common interests.  But, chemistry is not enough, it is only one of the five C’s.

Commitment. Making friends and building a friendship takes effort, and that translates into the need to make a commitment to keep working on the relationship.  Yes, a friendship requires effort and energy to maintain.

Cultivation means spending time around each other, in person.  David and Jonathan become friends because they spent time together, talking, and sharing their life events.   

Cooperation.   Friendship isn’t always easy, it is a give and take.  Good friends learn to accomplish goals together.  Simple things, like deciding what to do together in an equal give and take, build a useful skill that your kids will need throughout their life.

Communication.  This “C” is the one action that we most readily recognize as missing in all types of relationships, including friendships, marriage, parenting, and at work.  This a great time to talk about reflective listening with your kids.  Only communicating on social media adds many complications to reflective listening.  Including not hearing inflections and tones in what is said.  This makes misunderstandings much easier.  Also, at times, you don’t have the ability to give or get immediate feedback.

There is one more action that should be added to the five “Cs,” the problem is it does not start with a C.  Treat your friend as you would like to be treated.  How many times were you told the golden rule when you were growing up?  Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

What is the best way to help your kids build these skills?  By example.  Do they see your commitment to relationships?  Can they watch you sending time with friends?  Do they see you working out issues with a friend?  What communication skills are your kids learning from you?

Start the school year right, show your kids how to build friendships.

This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command… Now you are my friends since I have told you everything the Father told me. John 15:12-15 NLT

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions; our phone number is 434-808-2637