Five Nonstarters

Raise your hand if your spouse does something that makes you want to scream, “I can’t stand it”!  Great all hands are raised.  So what does your better-half do?  Wet towel on the floor, your tools used and not returned, empty milk carton in the refrig, credit card payments not mailed timely or always late to every event.  Every married couple can list a number of petty irritations.  Sometimes we joke about them.  The question is, are any of these issues worth getting ourselves in a twist over?

While there are serious issues that couples need to address, most of the recurring tussles I see my clients get into are not.  Yes, these issues may be something you feel is deeply important and may be issues that you have fought over for years. Serious issues are worth addressing; but beyond serious issues, bickering is pointless and only ends up depleting a couple’s good will.

Here are the top 5 issues that should be nonstarters to a fight:

1. Being Right.  Face it, we all like being right.  The problem, however, is that being right comes at a cost.  If you are right, then, by default, your spouse will be wrong.  Take my word for it, he or she doesn’t like that position any more than you do.  There is a saying that you have to choose between being right and being happy; it is not possible to be both.  Option two of being happy is the choice I’d suggest.

2. Caring Who Started It and Who Said What, When.  Remember the third grade when “Who started it” counted?  Back then, the instigator was sent to the principal’s office and the innocent was given a Kleenex and a pat on the head.  My Mom used to say when we were fighting you are all part of the reason for the fight.

Being right can create a struggle to reenact the exact event.  I’ve seen couples attempt to recreate conversations they had decades ago.  They fight over who more accurately recalls the exact wording while most of us struggle with remembering what we said five minutes ago.  Does it matter, anyway?  Better idea — say what you think now and leave the past in the past.  Hard as it is to accept, truth comes in versions.  Short of having a home stenographer record every word the two of you speak, you’re just going to have to accept that in nailing down a consensus, reality may be difficult, if not impossible.

Are you still trying to claim the moral high ground?  The reality is that when you are part of a conflict, you are rarely as innocent as you think.

3. Misdeeds of the Past.  Every relationship includes missteps, which can be painful.  Can you tell me the benefit of getting fired-up about the time your spouse shamelessly flirted at the Super Bowl party… 17 years ago?  A truth is that those who fail to learn from the past are doomed to repeat it, but are you dragging out old grievances to learn from them, or to hurt your spouse with them?  Why not forgive?  Forgiveness leaves the past in the past and makes room in the present for new and better things.

4. Expecting Things to Be Done Your Way.  This may shock you, but there is no right way to fold a dishtowel, hang toilet paper, or load a dishwasher.  The two of you have to figure out how to run things.  Life is too short to go bananas about where to keep the coffee filters.

5. Expecting Things to Be Fair.  I’m sure this isn’t the first time you have heard that life isn’t fair.  Neither is marriage.  The idea that everything should be 50–50, that you always need to meet your spouse halfway sounds good in theory, but in my experience, that’s not how things play out.  Sometimes we get the short end of the stick; tolerating unfairness is part of growing up.  Stamping your feet in opposition is a quick trip back to childhood where you had a complete meltdown because your sister got the larger slice of pizza.

The next time you feel like screaming, take a deep breath.  Is this worth getting in a twist over?

And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.  Ephesians 4:32 (NKJV)

Cheryl Gowin, and Dennis Gowin, Hope for Tomorrow Counseling Center.  Contact us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.