Enough Guns,  Enough Stuff, & the Rationale

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

I have finally figured out the situation with Clarence and our deer.  The deer are so afraid of him that whenever he shows up they come huddle around the house for protection.  Yesterday as he was hunting there were two deer in the backyard and two more within range on the dam of the pond.

Maybe they have heard about my less than accurate shooting. On the other hand maybe they know I don’t hunt.  Next week I think I’ll sit on the back porch with a rifle and scare them back into the woods.

I would have done it yesterday but someone hid my rifle.  You should understand that country folks have guns for several reasons. Some hunt, some target practice and some keep them for home protection.  You should also understand that a country boy just can’t have too many guns.

He needs a twenty-two in case he needs to shoot a squirrel or teach his grandsons to hunt. Then he needs a shotgun for rabbits, another shotgun for birds, another one for deer, another one with a longer barrel for geese and another one just in case someone tries to break in and another one for his wife.

Then he needs a few duplicates just in case a friend forgets his gun (as if that has ever happened in the country) or if one breaks or he can’t find it.

And he needs a few rifles.  For the non-country folks a few rifles is about 12. You need a different one for each application.

Then you need a couple of black powder rifles so you can extend the hunting season and maybe even a couple of bows to extend it even longer.  My guess is the average country boy has over 24 guns, hunting guns, that is.  Everyone also needs a couple of handguns and a few knives.

If you could get the country boys to share there are enough guns in Southside Virginia to arm a fair-sized militia.

But back to yesterday.  When I reached for my rifle it was gone.

Grabbing for a gun that is supposed to be there and isn’t is like when you are on a set of stairs and try to take an extra one.  You stumble but don’t fall and then stand there wondering what happened to the missing step.

I grabbed a gun that wasn’t there, chambered a round, stepped out on the porch and shot a deer before I realized I wasn’t holding anything.

I knew it hadn’t been stolen because no one knows where it is but me.  Well, me and Management and my brats. Keeping a gun where you can get it quickly is just good sense. So is keeping it out of the hands of Grand-brats. So it is well hidden and easily accessible but only by those who know the secret.

As I suspected it had been borrowed by the son. Over the years I have noticed a disturbing trend. I have a lot of stuff. Everyone including Management and our kids complain about my stuff. That is, they complain about my stuff that they don’t like.

If they happen to like something an interesting conversion occurs. My stuff goes from being Dad’s stuff to OUR stuff. After a certain undetermined time our stuff becomes THEIR stuff.  It isn’t a big deal as far as I am concerned since I am in Acquisitions, Transportation and Storage.  Using stuff isn’t always important to me. Collecting stuff is.

Another interesting situation is that MY stuff that requires constant repairs and maintenance remains Dad’s stuff.

A few weeks ago I wrote about all of my stuff being at home for the first time in 32 years.  That excludes stuff I have loaned out and stuff that I have given someone custody of.

Then a guy called me and reminded me I have two vans at his place and would I please come get them.  Oops.  AND  I remembered another salvage boat and a couple of campers and-and- I just don’t want to talk about it.  It appears I was mistaken. On top of that a marina called and asked me if I was interested in twelve abandoned boats which I wisely declined.