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Don’t Take The Bait

   Written by on May 23, 2019 at 10:26 am
Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us at our counseling practice with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us at our counseling practice with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.

Although a very enticing thought, this article is not about a fishing trip.  This week we attended a Celebrate Recovery training seminar.  One of the sessions covered the topic of how to handle offenses or how to guard against getting into conflicts.  It was a great session; well worth passing on the suggestions.

Don’t take the bait.

The first advice was, don’t take the bait.  Offenses are going to happen.  It is tempting to always want to be right and response to what we see as an offense.  Taking the bait will escalate the situation.  Now you have offended the other person.  If he or she takes the bait, you can imagine the result.

You’re not invincible.

A natural consequence is the flight or fight reaction.  Yes, all of us, even you, have a natural response to fight.  We need to strive to become unoffendable.

After we have made a choice to not take the bait, we need to look for ways to becoming unoffendable.  People are messy.  Are you expecting people to be perfect?  Guess what, none of us are perfect.  We all have baggage, we all can be irritating, say the wrong thing at the wrong time, have unreasonable expectations, and yes, even make mistakes.   

Paul faced people who were selfish, insincere, and actively doing things to make his chains more painful.  His reaction was to say, “What does it matter?”  He looked at their negative comments and actions with the view their efforts were not a big deal.  (Philippians 1:17-18)  How often do you just shrug your shoulders, walk away with the thought it doesn’t matter, no big deal?

Look for healthy ways and avoid unhealthy ways of handling offenses. 

A well-liked saying is don’t get mad, get even.  The first part is right, don’t get mad.  The second part is terrible advice.  The saying should be: don’t get mad, just walk away. Walking away does not mean telling everyone you know what happened; this includes posting on social media.  The Bible expresses that “a perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.” (Proverbs 16:28)  How many friendships have you seen ruined because of gossip about a misunderstanding?

Ok, so you decided to talk with the other person about the offense.  How do we handle the conflict in a healthy way?

Look at yourself first. Sometimes the issue is personal to you.  Are you only blaming others for your problem?  Remember to look for the plank in your own eye before pointing to others. (Matthew 7:3-5)

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and consider his or her viewpoint. (Philippians 2:4)  Ask yourself: what would I do if I was in his or her situation?

Find the right time and place to address the offense.  When your emotions are high, it is not the time to tackle the conflict.  In public is never an option.  Also, it may be best to ask someone to help with the issue.  A third person can add a cooling effect to the situation.

Now, you have decided that the offense needs to be addressed and you have a plan of how, when, and with whom to resolve the conflict. You have allowed yourself time to calm down.  As the talk starts, do not overreact, shelve your emotions and leave the drama to Hollywood.  Exaggerated emotions disarm people and create a situation where a healthy resolution is hard to reach.  Be kind and gentle, but make sure you are clear, direct, and helpful. (Proverbs 27:5)

God has a purpose in your pain!

At a Celebrate Recovery meeting, you may hear the phrase “God never wastes a hurt.”   The conflict can be used to grow your relationships.  IF we don’t look to get even, don’t focus on being right, or hold a grudge.   

Conflict is a part of a relationship; all relationships.  Our role is to learn the art of grace and forgiveness.  Mercy, grace, compassion, and forgiveness protect our healthy relationships.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.  Ephesian 4: 32

About Cheryl & Dennis Gowin

Cheryl Gowin, Counselor and Dennis Gowin, Director of Discovery Counseling Center. Contact us with your feedback, comments, issues or questions at 434-808-2426 or dgowin@discoverycounseling.org.

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