Dog Collar, Vampires, and Body Suits

When the girl-child was in high school, she requested a spiked dog collar. This was a reasonable request. We have a dog, dogs wear collars; why should this be a problem? I did think it was strange to put a spiked collar on a Black Lab or a Beagle. I typically think of big mean dogs wearing spikes but Labs don’t like being bitten on the neck any more than pit bulls do. She then requested a specific size. This is good; she is beginning to plan ahead and to pay attention to details. She must have already measured Bracey (the Lab) to make sure she gets the right one.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

As an afterthought, she requested one for the cat. Since we have had three cats killed by stray dogs, I really think this is a good idea. I have only one reservation with this plan. She insists the collars should be black when both the dog and cat are black. Personally, I think a little color would improve their appearance but I am such a drab dull sort of guy I guess she got that from me.

I ordered the collars as requested from the catalog she had. It was interesting that the company was just getting into the pet supply business. Other than collars, all of their items were clothing for Halloween parties. They obviously needed to diversify.
After the standard “week to 10 days” the package arrives. The child is much too excited. Maybe we should get a TV or something. No teenager should be this happy over dog collars.
The next morning, she comes down dressed for school. She is wearing the dog collar around her neck and the cat collar on her arm. I AM SPEECHLESS. What other 15-year-old would test collars to make sure they are safe and comfortable before putting them on her pets. I am so proud.
A month later, she is still wearing the collars to make sure the dogs will be comfortable. Then we receive a notice from the school. It seems that someone considers collars weapons and they will not be allowed. On my next visit to the school, I notice all of the students are armed with sharp pointed pencils and pens, which appear to me more dangerous than dog collars. Whatever happened to the nice safe quill pens we had back when I was in school? The worst you could do with them was tickle someone.

Then I notice several students dressed in nothing but black. This is disgusting; why wasn’t I notified we had a vampire problem at school? No wonder the girl wants her neck protected, no wonder all of the students are carrying those wooden stakes. I expect to see peasants armed with pitchforks and torches arriving at any time. Then I see one of the vampires coming down the hall. She is dressed in all black, spiked collars and a chain around her waist. She is coming straight at me. I don’t know what to do. When did vampires start coming out in the daylight? I am frantically trying to remember: Which is it? silver bullets, crosses, garlic? She walks up to me, opens her mouth, and says, “Dad, what are you doing here?” She is obviously avoiding the vampires by pretending to be one.

The more I consider the spikes, the more I like them. I don’t want my daughter being bitten on the neck by dogs of any species. There is nothing wrong with a daughter being prickly and unappealing. The paternal porcupine must be much more comfortable when his daughter is on a date.

I immediately began searching for a spiked body suit. The thought of her protected by thousands of razor sharp spikes is comforting to me for some reason. I searched catalogs for weeks. Wouldn’t you know there isn’t a company in the world that makes them?