Diving Into Dating … Again

For last year’s words belong to last year’s language
And next year’s words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
T.S. Eliot

Mr. Eliot is saying, with a flair, the more familiar saying, one door closes, another opens.  It may be hard or almost impossible to see that opening when your marriage ends.  Your marriage is over, but your life is not.  Single again is a dramatic life change, whether by your choice or forced upon you.  It will take time for you to move to a point that you are ready to find someone new to partner with for the next part of your life.

Before diving into dating again, your first step is to ensure that it is your choice to make this move.  Have you grieved the loss of your marriage completely?  Ask yourself if there exist any unfinished issues?  Can you think of your former spouse without bursting into tears or becoming overwhelmingly angry?  Your friends may be pushing you to start dating before you are emotionally ready.  We often hear the message that it is time to move on and to just get over what happened.  The key for you is to allow yourself sufficient time and grace to not feel pressured.  A neutral counselor can help you determine your readiness for plunging forward. 

Waiting until you are ready is about your ability to open your heart again,  as well as guarding your next significant other against any unresolved emotional turmoil.  Ending a marriage, regardless of the reason, includes a whirlwind of emotional ups and downs.  All of life’s experiences mark us in some way.  Yes, your former spouse will always be a part of you.  Part of the process of “moving on” is to redraw your identity without your former spouse.  To bring the best of yourself into a relationship, you need to have a solid picture of yourself.   

The ending of a marriage is a loss that needs to be grieved.  The length of everyone’s grieving period differ.  A rule of thumb provided by the Bible and many counselors is to take a least a year to grieve a loss before making any significant decisions.  A year allows you to go through a full round of “firsts” as a single person: the first Christmas, the first birthday, the first spring.  Hopefully, this year will help you regain a sense of normalcy before diving nose-first into the dating pool.    

As Mr. Eliot tries to tell us, closing one door does not mean there is no other way forward.  The inventor of the telephone, Alexander Graham Bell, warns us, “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”  Your marriage ending does not spell the end to any future romantic connection with another person — if you are willing to move in that direction.  

Have you read the story of Ruth?  Ruth loses her husband, her brother-in-law, and her father-in-law.  She decides to join her mother-in-law, Naomi, on the perilous journey back to Israel.  She makes this journey even though, in Israel, Ruth will be considered an outsider.  Ruth’s story does have a happy ending.  She meets and marries Boaz and becomes part of the lineage of Jesus. 

Looking for the right time to take the plunge is not always straightforward or easy.  Don’t be afraid to find help before making the dive.  Just keep in mind to look forward for the next open door.

This is what the LORD says – he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters… Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.  Isaiah 43:16-19

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions; our phone number is 434-808-2637.