Di-vorce Might be the Answer After All

Great jumpin’ catfish, it looks like old Stump County is gettin’ ready to have the first divorce in the history of Stump County.

Now, as you know, Stump County, Virginia is an imaginary county filled with imaginary people who are about a hundred years or so behind the real world and about 50 years behind Southside Virginia but we’re having the same problems adjusting to progress as the rest of you.

There are a couple of reasons we haven’t had any divorces yet. One is that we worry about upsetting the Big Guy. When you say “In the eyes of God and these witnesses” we kinda think you should mean it. Then when you are working dawn to dark-thirty it’s hard to find time to fight and when you have eight or ten children, nobody wants custody so it’s easier to stay married. Finally, the “til death does us part” seems to open a theological question on spouse-i-cide but Pastor Flock doesn’t want to talk about that so we’re not sure if it is allowed.

Anyhow, we got our first di-vorce a-coming. ‘Bout ten years ago Con Sneezleweed married Libby Rawl. Now we all knew it was agonna be interesting. It was one of those mixed marriages. Libby was a Democrap and Con was a Republicon.

Con is one of Otis Sneezleweed’s boys. You remember Otis. All he ever says is “If it was good enough for my daddy and if it was good enough for my grand-daddy it’s good enough for me.” Otis never saw a change he would support. I even hear there is a guy a lot like him in the real world in Dinwiddie County, wherever that is.

Any way you cut that cornbread, Libby and Con’s marriage had about as much chance of surviving as a cricket in a farm pond or a snake in a hog lot. It was doomed from the “I do’s.”

Con and Libby went to see Judge Judge. Remember Judge’s mama named him Judge ‘cause she wanted a Judge in the family to keep her brothers out of jail but we don’t like to talk about that. Anyway, Judge agreed they should di-vorce. He said they had irreconcilable differences. We think that means they fight, they are going to fight and you can’t stop them from fighting.

You city folks might not understand but it is a lot like puttin’ two roosters in the same pen.

They can’t agree on money, they can’t agree on paying bills, they can’t agree on takin’ care of the house, they can’t agree on takin’ care of the farm, they can’t agree on givin’ to charity, they can’t agree on religion, they can’t agree on guns, they can’t agree on buyin’ American, they can’t agree on eatin’ meat, they can’t agree on huntin’, they can’t agree on votin’, and they can’t agree on disciplinin’ the children even though they don’t have any cause they can’t agree on how and when to get them started.

They can’t even agree if they should eat breakfast in the morning and supper at night.

I think Libby and Con should take a little trip to Washing-town and sit in on a few sessions of Congress and see how the Democraps and the Republicons resolve their differences. On the other hand Congress might get some ideas from Con and Libby and decide they have some of those irreconcilable differences and decide to get divorced too.

Here in Stump County we think both sides need to think about what is best for the country and resolve those irreconcilable differences even if it means they resign and let someone with more sense take their places.