Dead Lions, Cindy- Kate and “We Need To Talk”

Several weeks ago, Management (my bride) came in and said, “Honey, we need to talk.” This was the first time in 20 years Management has “needed” to talk. “The Talk” is the social equivalent of a registered letter. It seldom, if ever, predicates good news. I was concerned. If I remember correctly from my pre-Management days, this phrase always preceded a particularly painful and uncomfortable session in which the lady talked and I listened. The “talks” always began with a compliment and then moved to my shortcomings as a date, boyfriend, or as a member of the human race.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

“The Talk” began as usual, with a compliment. Apparently, she has received not only condolences but compliments on my Rural Legends column.

She has decided to “Cindy-Kate” me. I don’t even know Cindy. No, wait that’s “Sin-die-cate” Things that begin with sin have the potential for adding excitement to my dull life but I also seem to remember painful consequences. However, we are married, we have a license, and we can sindicate together all we want. After more consideration, I remembered that anything which ends in “cate” involves removing a body part. Married or not, legal or not, we are NOT removing body parts.

As the “talk” continued, she explained that she intended to sell me. Don’t tell her this but frankly, for all of the years I was single, no one but her ever wanted me for free so I doubt if she’ll have much success. I hope not. Life without Management would be like a bowl without strawberries. As I am debating how to beg for a second chance, she explained that what she intends to sell is this column. She has discovered that there are people who write silly and stupid stuff and sell it to newspapers and magazines. She believes my writing is as silly and stupid as any and thinks there might be a market for it.

This works for me, If someone wants to pay me for doing something I enjoy, not to mention getting some of this stuff out of my head, I am all for it. I agree to the syndication.

Then she brings up dead lions. I should have known something like this was going to happen. I don’t hunt, don’t go to zoos, and I did NOT kill the lion. I didn’t even know one was dead. Maybe she is planning on sending me to Africa to kill one. Arming me with a gun while the lion has only teeth, claws and natural cunning just doesn’t seem fair. Maybe they can find me an old one with no teeth or claws to even things up.

Once again, it seems I misunderstood. She is talking about deadlines. It appears a deadline is having a specific date and time to complete a project. Who ever heard of such a thing?

What makes it worse is this time and date is decided IN ADVANCE. She gently explained that most people have deadlines every day. They have to be at work at specific time, and EVERY day. Personally, I don’t think these deadline things are going to catch on. Why would anyone want to do such a thing?

I attempted to negotiate. Maybe I could go to Africa and kill one; with a spear. No luck. She thinks I should try doing something ON TIME before I am fifty.

What does fifty have to do with it? I’ve lived almost fifty years on my terms and although I understand it has frustrated other people, it has worked for me.

She refused to listen. This is more like a “we need to talk” from my pre-Management days. Some of those also concerned my failure to do things on time.

In spite of my begging, I am now required to meet a dead lion every Tuesday by 5:00.