Contrarians, Lemmings, and Altar Calls

I have nothing to report on the surplus sale I was going to attend this week. Just as I was leaving for the sale, I received a phone call and was told the sale was NEXT weekend. Prior to writing this column I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. Since we were married, Management has had a team of supporters. Some of these advise her on how to correct my flaws; others, on how to tolerate me, and still others on the best way to bury me in the back yard without being caught. Now, instead of just having her family, my family and everyone who knows us on her “Management Team,” she has added auxiliary members who only know us through this column. If I make it to the sale, I’ll let you know how it goes.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

A friend this week suggested I am a Contrarian, which is someone who disagrees with everything. Although I understand how he could reach that conclusion, I have to disagree. I don’t try to do anything differently, it just comes naturally. If I see a crowd running north, I run south to see what is chasing them. If they are looking up, I wonder what is down. If I were a lemming, instead of jumping off the cliff into the sea, I would be a rock- climbing lemming. Management thinks it is a lapse in my mental synapses.

If you happen to believe in reintarnation, that might explain a few things. As a salmon, I swam down stream. As a bear, I hibernated during the hot summer. As a locust, I would have just naturally objected to that 17-year cycle. I can’t help it and frankly don’t want to. In fact, until I had Management I didn’t even know I saw the world differently than most. For that matter she didn’t even start dropping hints until our tenth anniversary.

After ten years of marital(or is that martial?) bliss she told a friend that I had embarrassed her on one of our first dates. I had no idea. Her story is that I went to church with her and made a scene. Apparently, this embarrassed her.

I was confused. I wore appropriate clothing, clean jeans, T-shirt, and shoes. I took a bath. I didn’t argue with anyone. I was as charming as I know how to be. In spite of that, her Pastor called her in and warned her that marrying me would be difficult.

I make it a policy to never defend myself when I have done nothing wrong. However, In this case, I will make an exception and let you decide.

The sermon ended and as is the practice in some churches, there was an altar call. The preacher called for commitments and some people went forward. Then he called for re-dedications and some more went forward. Then he called for the saints, to come forward to pray. Now keep in mind that none of these affected me. I had done a dedication, did not feel the need for a re-dedication, and was certainly NOT a saint. During the prayer, the Preacher kept calling for one more person to come forward.

I thought, “I wish whoever it is would do it so we can go home.” After another ten minutes, I decided to peek and see if I could tell who was holding up the show. When I looked, there was nobody in front of me who was not at the altar. I sneaked a peak to the left. Nobody was there. Then, I sneaked a peek to the right, nobody. The person who was apparently holding up the show was directly behind me. There was no way I could discretely look over my shoulder to see who the culprit was.

Besides, I was sitting in the back pew.