Cell Phones, Catherine the Great and Fan Clubs

   Written by on January 30, 2014 at 2:00 pm

I just got a new cell phone. I really have a problem with them. I don’t like anything to do with cells. Why can’t they be called “air” phones or “mobile” phones or portable phones or hip phones or something. I waited several years before getting one just because I was afraid someone was going to incarcerate me-again.

logo-rural legendsI do like that they are cordless. When I am talking on the telephone, I walk. This isn’t something new. I’ve always walked and talked, paced and talked, and wandered and talked. That is probably why I didn’t make it as a school teacher; well, that and ignorance.

My father always threatened to nail one of my feet to the floor to see if I would walk in circles.

In any case, my bride Management just ordered new phones. She didn’t ask me about it. There was nothing wrong with my old one. I’m having some problems adjusting. Not only are the buttons different, I’ve lost my ring tone. My daughter gave it to me years ago and now she flatly refuses to reload it. She says it was funny once but after all of these years it is annoying.

I like it. When it rings I know it is for me. There is no mistaking it for something else. It is a suicide bomber threatening to blow up my phone. “Infidel, answer the phone before it blows up.” I’ve been told it is politically incorrect. Who cares if I offend a suicide bomber?

This is another case where I am standing alone. The daughter says it is annoying. The son says it is annoying and Management says it is annoying. None of them will help me. After searching for some time I finally found it on my own. Oddly it was on a list of the ten most annoying cell tones of all time. Imagine that.

This phone does have one feature I like. I can keep phone numbers in groups. I can have different rings for different people or groups. It has been pointed out, fairly rudely I must say, by several people that hip phones have had this feature for years.

Still, it is a new feature for me. I’m still boycotting televisions. Why would anyone expect me to change that fast?

In my job I talk with police officers fairly often. It was suggested using a siren as the ring tone for them. That’s not going to work at all. When I am driving and I hear a siren I automatically pull over and wait for my ticket.

I did find one new ring tone I’m going to use. It says, “Warning, warning, an annoying person is trying to call you.” I really like that. Besides that’s probably already being used with my phone number by dozens of people. Maybe that’s why nobody ever answers their phones when I call.

I am currently sitting in Chattanooga, Tennessee stranded in a snow storm. This is somewhat odd. How could I be stranded with only an inch of snow? I’ve never been stranded anywhere I didn’t want to be.

So, my bride Management and I are spending a romantic evening at a hotel that is just a little bit above our usual experience. There are actual coffee mugs in the room. We ended up heading to Chattanooga because my aunt Catherine the Great died. She was one of the four readers of this column. Now my readership has dropped 25%.

The first half of the trip went perfectly. Then it started snowing and traffic dropped to a crawl. We arrived minutes before the funeral. There wasn’t anywhere or anytime to change clothes so we attended in jeans etc. Now, as you might imagine Management didn’t approve of this state of affairs. I pointed out that there were thousands of people who WERE properly dressed but didn’t attend. So in my thinking just being there should trump properly dressed.

In proper Jones style C’ the Great planned her own funeral including a wake to celebrate her “graduation”. It was great. There were two or three dozen people attending with whom I share DNA or who are married to people with whom I share DNA or have or will assist in producing children with whom I will share DNA. Keep up the good work, Jones relatives.

Management finally met the Commandant and the Sergeant at Arms of the “Management Fan Club.” They insist they represent thousands of other members but since they haven’t publicized the club they haven’t met them personally. I attempted to join but was declined. My application was black balled, but without me Management would not be Management.

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