Bless the Twins’ Hearts

Great Jumpin’ bullfrogs. I opened a can of worms or opened Pandora’s box, or, as we say here in Stump County, I stepped right smack dab in the middle of that cow patty.

Since imaginary Stump County was born in 2004 our population has remained a constant nine hundred ninety-nine.

A while back we opened the door for RANTS, RANGS and ROIDS and let them come to Stump County. It was an innocent mistake. One of the Half Whitts thought adding a little new blood would be good for the county. He, I mean we, I mean I, wuz wrong. We thought it would just make it a little easier to write and bring Stump County into the 20^th century (yes, we know it is the 21^st century in the real world but we are still a century behind you.)

We didn’t realize that there was even the slightest chance that the Lettice Twins (bless their hearts) would come back. I’m sure they have real names and some of us might have known what they were once but for at least 50 years all anyone ever called them was the crazy Lettice sisters. (Bless their hearts.)

I just realized you might not understand the “Bless their hearts.” That’s a Southern colloquialism that we use when speaking of someone who is-who is-um-who is-umm- Looky here, drat my cats if I can think of a nice way to explain that and still get it published in that big city newspaper in the real world. Let’s try this. Folks often say things like “Half just ain’t playing with a full deck, bless his heart.” I guess it’s to soften the negative statement or something. Maybe it is just a sneaky way to let folks know something is wrong or something. I don’t know but that’s just the way it is and the way it has always been here in Stump County.

The Lettice twins got the heck out of Stump County on the first bus they could find and nobody heard from them (bless their hearts) for years. Then they did the Rang thing and boomeranged right back after they failed in the real world. Now they are living on their dead daddies’ money and spend their time spending his money, bragging on the real world and annoying folks around here.

They are the only folks we’ve ever heard of who are ROIDs, RANTs and RANGS all in one.

The rest of us have livings to earn, crops and younguns to raise, fences to fix and a whole passel of things to do. All they have to do is talk.

The loafers down at the Yak-n-Snack restaurant call them the “grass squirts.” Iffen you haven’t lived on a farm, grass squirts are what happens to cows in the spring when the new grass comes in. Everyone knows better than to stand behind a cow in the spring. It will get on you if you are within six feet.

Monroe says, “Like the Lettice Twins (bless their hearts), that stuff is high pressure and just doesn’t stop. It just goes on and on.”

The loafers also think The Squirts were used by the Gov’mit down at Guantanamo Bay to interview terrorists.  They think water boarding, beatings, whippings and such are nothing compared to being locked into a room with the twins.

Cletus does a funny terrorist impersonation. “I confess, I confess, here are names-contacts of friends, here are plans, I give you anything. I convert. I give up my 77 virgins, I give you everything. Just please don’t put me back in room with crazy women. They talk the ears off a camel. Use water boards, whips, just not them.”

“Please, I beg you. I’d take a firing squad first.”