Bear Skin, Bare Skin & Fashion Models

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

I just got my bearskin back from the taxidermist.  I have to say I am not usually a fan of keeping dead stuff.  I think most skins are more attractive running around the woods doing whatever it is the creature inside them wants to do. On the other hand, when what they want to do is kill my stuff then I am prepared to fight back.

It works like this: the wild things in the wild woods protect their offspring and territory. Meanwhile, I am doing my wild thing in my own wild way and am protecting my offspring and territory.  Sometimes they win, sometimes I do. In this case it is just an “Averett eat Bear World.”

It seemed like a waste to just throw the skin away so I had it tanned. I have extensive experience in tanning hides, usually my own. The Chief (my father) tanned my hide many times in my youth and I seemed to have survived it just fine.

The truth is that from the time we egg⁹ just a little Y gamete, boys are different than girls.  You can try this at home: find a herd of children in their single digit years, show them a bearskin.  Most of the boys will want to wear it and most of the girls will say yuck.

Upon returning home with the skin I soon found out the most difficult part of this project was ahead of me: getting it into the house.  Frankly I would have had an easier time convincing Management to let me bring home a 24-year-old fashion model than a bearskin.  (More on that later.)

Well, I got it in the front door and out the back door to the sun porch. So far-so good.

Now, the question is:  exactly what do you do with a bearskin?  You need a sort of rustic hunting lodge décor for it to look good and I have just spent the past six months upgrading from unfinished Cracker Barrel restaurant to more traditional.  Don’t you hate it when that happens?

Then even if it does fit   Actually that should be “what good is a rug on which you can’t walk” but you can’t expect perfect grammar from a guy who is attempting to sneak dead bear parts into the house.

When you think about it-where do you really see bearskins other than on a bear?

Apparently they are only used in hunting lodges, in movies, for photos of naked babies and if my sources are accurate- photos of naked babes and in something called Triple X Movies.

I don’t know anything about the movies but if bearskins actually attract scantily clad fashion models maybe that is Management’s objection to them.  There is no reason for her to be concerned, she knows she is the only woman I want but I guess it would be annoying for her to have to keep sweeping them off of the rug. It shouldn’t be hard to feed them; they usually look a little anemic.  On the other hand, I could save them for our single friends.

That would be a fun phone call to make.  “Hey, we just caught another one on the rug.”  “Oh, about the same as yesterday, sorta skinny, blond, nice eyes. Sure, I’ll leave her on the rug until you get here.”

As luck would have it, reinforcements arrived.  While the Grand-brat (male) was distracting Management (female) We (the males) spread the rug in front of the fireplace.  Sure enough, we got some great bare-brat pictures. Following the photo shoot, the son who is now 24 wore it around the house. Overall the males considered it successful, the females said yuck with the exception of my daughter who you must not forget I raised.

After dinner when everyone had gone home I was getting ready to return the rug to the sun porch when I had an idea.

If you have a Y chromosome you can follow the thought processes.  Large attractive bearskin rug- fireplace- small attractive wife…

And if you have only X chromosomes you can join Management in saying Yuck.