Barn Cats, Skinny-Dipping and The FBI

I’ve been on a mission for several weeks trying to find homes (actually barns) for some Barn Cats. Barn cats are not those cute cuddly pet cats that sit in your lap and purr. The best you will get from a barn cat is a brush against your leg and scars if you attempt to pet it. Although I like the domesticated variety of cat there is something special about barn cats. They are usually ugly, disagreeable, beat up, scarred, unsociable and unpleasant. Management sometimes makes comments that for some reason I relate to barn cats.

Step one is to live-trap the cats. Step two is a visit to the vet to “fix” them. Step three is to find someone who will let them live in their barn, feed them and otherwise let them do their own thing. All cats are independent; barn cats are the kings of independence. Instead of repaying you with a purr, barn cats catch mice.

Confession plus apology – maybe the FBI will leave me alone.

Last week I had several cats in traps I was taking to the vet. When I stopped by home one of them must have seen my barn and thought, “I’m a barn cat – that is a barn – I must be home.” It promptly escaped and has been living there for a week. I haven’t seen it. I only know it is there because it complains if I don’t feed it.

Now I have to re-catch it and take it to the vet. It is necessary because animal shelters are filled with unwanted cats and kittens and they won’t take any more. I still remember forty years ago when my parents were discussing taking the dog to be what I thought was tutored. Their reasoning was the dog was wandering around the neighbor- hood, chasing female dogs, fighting and staying out all night. Ditto the cat. I thought it was a good idea to send dog and cat to school for tutoring. Imagine my shock when I found out what was really done to them.

Shortly afterwards my parents began to make comments regarding my wandering around the neighborhood, chasing girls, staying out late…All I can say is they sure got my attention.

There are several barn cats left. As soon as I get them tutored and neutered I will be running an ad. “Experienced rodent control technicians available.”

Following an FBI investigation a congressman named Kevin Yoder just apologized for skinny-dipping in the Sea of Galilee last year during a “fact finding” trip to the Holy Land.

I am shocked, surprised and simply blown out of the water. I am disgusted, dismayed and discombobulated. Why are we upset over skinny-dipping when our officials were spending OUR money to find facts they could have found on the Internet?

The fact is, I am more concerned what our congressmen do to me while they are dressed and while I am dressed than while they are naked. Congress regularly picks my pocket while I am dressed; I’d hate to see what they would do if my wallet was unattended. I am also deeply concerned about the members of Congress who went swimming at the same time fully clothed. There is something deeply disturbing about people who swim fully clothed.

What I am really concerned about is the FBI investigating skinny-dipping. In order to avoid a possible investigation of me that might uncover something worse than skinny-dipping, I would like to confess and apologize in advance.

I confess to skinny-dipping in well over 100 ponds, 11 country clubs, several dozen rivers, lakes and quarries, some swamps, one ocean at multiple locations and the Gulf of Mexico. I further confess to skinny-wading in that little creek on Leigh’s Mountain and to skinny-dipping at Braxton’s pond which had been dry for 20 years. This required an incredible sales pitch on my part. The scar on my forehead that looks like a vertical wrinkle was acquired in Buffalo Creek on Hard Times Road. I have dipped at night, in the morning, at noon, afternoon and at dawn but never with anyone named Dawn. After almost half a century of skinny-dipping I was forced to give it up. Now I have to chubby-dunk and I am sorry about that.

Whew, I’m glad I got that done. Confession plus apology – maybe the FBI will leave me alone.

Now that that’s out of the way I can do like the politicians and keep on just like I always have.